A Special Christmas Letter from Dad to our whole family
When I received the usual Christmas note this year from Betty, my daughter-in-law, about how “perfect” everything was for their family this past year, and about how nice it was to have a loving family like ours, I had a little tingling at the back of my neck. As I thought and prayed about that tingling, I finally identified the source. I had to ask myself this question; is there a widespread denial system in place in our family about addiction? In other words, are we all “sweeping under the rug” what has become commonly known but not spoken since the latest tragic death we have all experienced due to addiction?
The simple truth is that only a year ago we all came together to attend the funeral and mourn the death of John, our oldest son, and Betty’s brother-in-law, from addiction. That reminded us all that we have people in our family who have problems with drugs, alcohol, depression, ADD, eating disorders, nicotine, etc. It also reminded us that addiction can lead to death! Now Carol and I recently learned that now John’s younger brother, Tim, Betty’s husband, is admitting that his doctor is telling him that his liver is showing signs of alcoholic liver disease. We were told that Tim tried so hard to do what his doctor told him to do. He drank gallons of water every day in an attempt to clear his liver of the poisons, and he even cut back on his drinking! Now with his doctor reporting some improvement, I can tell you, as a recovering alcoholic myself with over twenty years of sobriety, that Tim interpreted that news as “…I am cured, and now I can return to normal drinking”(whatever that is).
Drugs and alcohol have gotten most of my attention during the past twenty years because I have had to work so hard to overcome my own addictions through the 12-Step Programs. Yes, I suffered from ADD as a child back in the days when kids who had trouble focusing were just called lazy. But so much has been learned since those days, and if we really do love each other as much as we say we do in this family, shouldn’t we each arm ourselves with as much information as possible about any disease that is harming us?
So how do we help Tim? How do we stop Tim from destroying himself and breaking all of our hearts…again? The tragic truth is this; we can’t! I have learned the hard way that there is no human power that can stop an alcoholic from taking the next drink. Tim has wondered out loud to me if he can quit, so how on earth could one of us imagine that we could somehow make him quit? Tim is in the grip of a disease that creates a powerful mental and emotional compulsion to drink alcohol. That compulsion renders him incapable of asking for help. And yet, until he does just that, nothing can be done for him!
This brings us squarely to the question; what can we do? First, we can take care to take care of ourselves. This is a family disease and we each have a piece in it. We can seek help from others who have “been there” through community support groups like AA, Nar-A-Non and Al-Anon. I am leading our family by example, and have learned so much by getting out of Tim’s way. I learned this after about two years of attending a men’s Al-Anon meeting in our community. I know now that I must allow Tim the dignity of making his own decisions. By learning and growing ourselves we never harm another person. By learning through a program like A-Anon to detach with love we can give Tim a fighting chance to reach his own bottom and then reach out for help. Tim needs a family that is recovering along side him as they cheer him…not a bunch of deniers who continue enabling him while keeping those fake painted smiles on their faces. We need people who give thanks to God every morning that we are still alive, who are big enough to say “but for the grace of God there go I!”
Here are some skills to develop that may help you. These are the combined experience of millions like us who have had to cope with addiction problems in their families.
Do’s.
Do learn the facts about alcoholism.
Do talk to someone who understands alcoholism.
Do go to Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, or an alcoholism center.
Do develop an attitude to match the facts.
D take a personal inventory of yourself.
Do maintain a healthy emotional atmosphere in your home.
Do encourage new activities.
Don’ts
Don’t preach or lecture.
Don’t argue with a drunk alcoholic.
Don’t have a “holier than thou” attitude.
Don’t use the “if you loved me” appeal.
Don’t make threats you won’t carry out.
Don’t hide liquor or pour it out.
Don’t resent the method of recovery
Don’t expect immediate contented sobriety.
Don’t try to protect an alcoholic against alcohol.
Don’t be discouraged by the mistakes you make.
You may change to word alcohol to drug of choice wherever you wish.
A parent never knows how a child will finally come out. When I took my own careful inventory as part of my recovery process I had to look at the example I set for my children. I taught them that alcohol relieved perceived stress. I made alcohol the center of all family get-togethers. I demonstrated that we could not enjoy a meal out or a party without alcohol present. That is how I was taught, and I just passed it along to the next generation.
My Dad had terrible depression bouts. He would get so hateful that nobody could stand him. He was never totally incapacitated by his disease, but his moods swings had a great deal to do with all of our fears and inability to cope with reality. Don’t get me wrong. I do not blame my Dad for my own derelictions, but I am aware of how far back this disease goes in our family. The insanity that I am trying to stop with this letter is this; we just keep doing the same things generation after generation while hoping that somehow we will get a different result.
Society accepts now that ADD is cause by a mental/chemical imbalance, and some day it is likely to learn the same about alcoholism. People are getting help now for their ADD. Young people throughout our family with ADD are being treated with drugs that help them, and those accepting treatment are becoming excellent students. Until we can do the same with addiction, shouldn’t we do everything we can during this generation to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem?
I am through with living in shame for our family warts. I am tired of sweeping these things under the rug as we continue in lock step to destruction. For this year, and for the coming years, let’s stop hiding our deficiencies. Let’s celebrate that we can now identify them…that we can hold them up to the light and start to correct them! Let’s ask God in unison to give us the strength to deal honestly with each other, and to seek help when we need it. We have another member of our family who needs help in 2008, but is not capable of asking for it. Let’s not allow another tragedy to happen to another loved-one because we all failed to see the problem while failing to support the solution.
I love all of you, with my whole heart and soul. I am proud of each of you. You are completely acceptable to me, and to my God, just as you are, but we can all get well. Why don’t we get well together…as the family that we are?
Dad.
Men Living with Addicted People
Author’s qualifications
Ken P.
Ken P. was raised in poverty among what would in AA terminology be referred to as “low-bottom drunks.” Neither of his parents drank, but both were children of alcoholic mothers, and both had long histories of alcohol addiction in past generations. After watching two uncles die of acute alcoholism only a half of a block from his childhood home drinking on the same couch, he was married for 19 years to a woman who became a practicing alcoholic.
He is a singular man in that he has been active in the Al-Anon recovery program for 30 years, a program usually attended by women. Ken started attending meetings when men in Al-Anon were extremely rare. In 1976 he was one of only a few male Al-Anons in all of Houston. During three decades he has attended two to three meetings per week, led meetings, sponsored many men, spoken at major Al-Anon and AA conferences, and served as chairman of the board of directors for the Al-Anon Intergroup office, which serves over 200 weekly meetings in the Houston area.
Ken earned a BA degree in biology during the sixties in San Francisco from San Francisco State College. He performed menial labor for five years, working nights, weekends, and summers to pay his own way through college while supporting a young family.
Upon graduation, Ken entered the pharmaceutical industry as a sales representative, was moved to Texas and made responsible for sales to hospitals affiliated with medical schools, and then managed representatives responsible for sales in medical centers throughout the south. He was in the first class of hospital representatives selected for special training to set up and monitor drug studies. He successfully retired at the age of 54.
Friends and family describe Ken as a high energy, focused man who throughout his lifetime has excelled at tackling major projects that require years of dedication and successfully completing them.
Recently, Ken has dedicated himself to his 12-step program, and to tutoring students in the SAT, ACT, biology, higher math, and French. He began writing about the recovery process for men with addicted family members in June of 2006, and was soon joined by Scott B. and Bob T. The three men realized that, with their experiences in the corporate world, plus their exceptional levels of mutual trust developed after years of working the program together, they had a unique mix. Also, similar backgrounds with addicted family members were there, but one had survived an addicted wife, one an addicted mother, and another an addicted daughter. Each could therefore approach the subject of addiction from a totally separate viewpoint. The collaboration that began soon netted publication of the article titled “Are you Living with an Addicted Person?” in the July 1, 2007 issue of Going Bonkers Magazine. For Ken personally, publication of the book represents the chance to help the families of addicts on an even broader scale, which he is convinced is one of the most important purposes for his life.
