Support Group

I Am Not The Problem

Who is really to blame for this codependent/alcoholic relationship anyway? Of course it is the alcoholic – right? Really, if it wasn’t for the substance abuse, life would be great! Would it really? Or would you find a way to sabotage the relationship because you just aren’t ready to deal with your own emotions?

Codependents have a fear – it may be a subconscious fear, of the alcoholics recovery. Their lives are defined by the alcoholic and his behavior. If that changes – what else will change? So, unknowingly they may continue to enable the alcoholic to prevent recovery and change.

Most people who have a significant other who is in the claws of addiction or alcoholism will tell you that they will do anything to have the person find sobriety. But they are lying, even though they don’t realize it. They just don’t know how to deal with anything else but addiction. It defines the codependent as much as it does the alcoholic.

That is why it is so important for codependent people to seek out their own healing and solve their own problems. Just like the Twelve Steps can help alcoholics, they can help us overcome our codependent beliefs. Look inside yourself. What is preventing you from being more assertive, holding your ground, standing up for what you want? Is it fear of rejection, change, abandonment?

Fear itself can be a good motivator. We all have a fear of the unknown, but as we learn about it we can conquer it. Books on codependency, support groups, and counseling can help you identify the areas you need to work on to break free from codependency.

There is the hope that as you recover, your alcoholic will recover as well. It has happened, I have seen it. But I have also seen many more that have not. An alcoholic needs to make the choice to change – it cannot be made for them. Alcoholics rarely consider change until it is the only option.

You can choose to continue to enable the alcoholic in your life, or you can love them enough to let go. Allow them to experience every part of their addiction. Allow them to see the chaos they have created around them.

But for now, you can heal. You can begin a new life – free of codependency.

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Codependency – Hope for a Better Day

Hope is all around you. You can find it in nature, in a child’s laugh, a visit with a friend. Hope is sustaining, it helps to get you through another day. Sometimes it feels like you are clinging to hope like a lifeboat, adrift in a sea of guilt and despair.

Occasionally, you will run across something that clicks right at that moment. It is just like someone is speaking to you, sending you a message. They are the words you need to hear – right then.

This saying is one of those things. I found it in a stack of handouts at a support group I attended. It spoke to me then, and it still does now. I hope it can help you.

God’s Answer

I asked you, God for strength that I might achieve;

I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey.

I asked for help that I might do greater things;

I was given infirmity that I might do better things.

I asked for riches that I might be happy;

I was given poverty that I might be wise.

I asked for power that I might have the praise of others;

I was given weakness that I might feel the need for you.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life;

I was given life that I might enjoy all things.

No God, I’ve got nothing that I’ve asked for,

but everything I had hoped for.

Despite myself, my prayers were answers,

and I am among those most richly blessed.

Look back on your life. Yes, there have been struggles – major ones even. Yet, would you be the person you are today if you had not experienced life the way you did? You are a stronger person because of where you have been and what life has given you. You have a greater understanding of the trials others are going through -whatever they may be. Because of that, you have compassion. Because of your trials, you can give hope to someone else.

Life is good! You have the power for peace and happiness within you. Allow yourself to find it. There is hope for a brighter day!

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Do You Fear Alcohol Addiction Recovery?

This is a tough question – Do you fear the recovery of your addict? Of course you want the alcoholic/addict in your life to get better. Life would be better if they were in recovery – right? But wait, how does recover affect me? Who will I take care of? How will their recovery change my identity? Think hard and answer the question again – do you fear the recovery of your addict?

Many people who are codependent identify themselves with the alcoholic/addict. They are the caretaker, the worrier, the fixer, etc. Though they may not realize it, they could be subconsiously preventing the recovery of their loved one. They are unknowingly preventing it out of fear. “What will happen to me if they get better?” “They won’t need me anymore.”

The disease of alcoholism and drug addiction is known as a family disease – because it affects everyone close to the individual. Living with an alcoholic or addict and their erratic behaviors takes it toll on every one around. Friends, coworkers, friends, and most of all family, are all affected in some way. If the destructive behavior of alcoholic/codependent has gone on for years, it is the relationship that they both identify with. It is a sick circle that continues round and round until someone breaks free. Usually that someone is the codependent person.

Often the alcoholic/addict only recognizes their problem when their loved ones break free from the cycle of codependent behavior. The relationship is different and the alcoholic/addict has to take responsiblilty for their own actions because someone is not there to pick up the pieces and make everything all right.

One of the best ways to break free from codependecy is to attend group meetings for people in similar situations. Al-Anon is available for spouses, family members and friends of alcoholics that are in and out of recovery. These groups can help you find yourself again and see that there can be a better tomorrow. Al-Anon groups meet all over the world and you can visit Al-Anon online to find a meeting near you.

Breaking free from codependency takes time and effort. Recovery won’t come all at once, but little by little as you learn how to love yourself again. You can be free from the heartache of codependency!