Substance abuse

I Am Not The Problem

Who is really to blame for this codependent/alcoholic relationship anyway? Of course it is the alcoholic – right? Really, if it wasn’t for the substance abuse, life would be great! Would it really? Or would you find a way to sabotage the relationship because you just aren’t ready to deal with your own emotions?

Codependents have a fear – it may be a subconscious fear, of the alcoholics recovery. Their lives are defined by the alcoholic and his behavior. If that changes – what else will change? So, unknowingly they may continue to enable the alcoholic to prevent recovery and change.

Most people who have a significant other who is in the claws of addiction or alcoholism will tell you that they will do anything to have the person find sobriety. But they are lying, even though they don’t realize it. They just don’t know how to deal with anything else but addiction. It defines the codependent as much as it does the alcoholic.

That is why it is so important for codependent people to seek out their own healing and solve their own problems. Just like the Twelve Steps can help alcoholics, they can help us overcome our codependent beliefs. Look inside yourself. What is preventing you from being more assertive, holding your ground, standing up for what you want? Is it fear of rejection, change, abandonment?

Fear itself can be a good motivator. We all have a fear of the unknown, but as we learn about it we can conquer it. Books on codependency, support groups, and counseling can help you identify the areas you need to work on to break free from codependency.

There is the hope that as you recover, your alcoholic will recover as well. It has happened, I have seen it. But I have also seen many more that have not. An alcoholic needs to make the choice to change – it cannot be made for them. Alcoholics rarely consider change until it is the only option.

You can choose to continue to enable the alcoholic in your life, or you can love them enough to let go. Allow them to experience every part of their addiction. Allow them to see the chaos they have created around them.

But for now, you can heal. You can begin a new life – free of codependency.

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Al-Anon: A Place of Comfort

Living with an alcoholic is frustrating. You can feel very alone and abandoned.  Where can you turn? You need somewhere to go where you will be understood – where others have felt your pain.  Al-Anon is that place.

Members of Al-Anon have or are currently living the life you are.  They understand the fear, shame, and anxiety you feel.  They have been through all the stages – the fear, guilt, anger, etc.  They too have felt like a victim.

But Al-Anon offers comfort to those who come to the meetings.  By working the 12 steps you will learn to look within yourself to find healing.  Learn to overcome your codependent beliefs and learn to love yourself.

Just like in Alcoholics Anonymous, you will get a sponsor.  Someone you can call anytime you find yourself needing someone to talk to.  Al-Anon is people helping people at it’s finest.  Once you learn to overcome using the 12 steps, you want to help others.  You are obligated to help others – that is one of the steps, to help others along the way.

Al-Anon is about learning about yourself and how to change the way you react to what is going on in your life.  It is not a place to complain about the alcoholic/addict in your life – it is a place to rediscover you.  In a alcoholic relationship, healing begins with you.

Through Al-Anon you will realize that you are powerless over alcohol (and the alcoholic). You cannot make their choices for them, but you can choose how you react.  You will learn the tools you need to handle situations and you will become stronger.  Your life will take on new meaning and you will see the beauty around you once again.

For many people, going to Al-Anon is the first step to recovery of the alcoholic/addict in their life.  I will not promise that they will recover, but seeing you in a better place can have a positive effect.  Let Al-Anon become your place of comfort.

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Alcoholic Families – Part 1

Alcoholism has been called the ‘Family Disease’ because it  affects everyone in the family to some extent.  In many families, all the members have become enablers. By refusing to admit there is a problem in their family, they are all allowing the destructive behavior to continue.

Families of alcoholics are always on guard because they never know what the drinkers behavior will be from one moment to the next. Children do not invite friends over, spouses make excuses for not attending social functions, etc.

Perhaps a scenario like this has played out in your home:

  • It is one of the kids birthdays and you are having a family dinner. You are on edge because family functions are a trigger for alcohol abuse and none of your guests are aware of the problem. Your kids are are acting silly – partly because of the excitement of the party, and partly to release anxiety about other people seeing dad drunk. About 5 minutes before the guests arrive, one of the kids says something innocent that upsets your spouse. You try to calm them down, but in doing so you tell your spouse that the comment wasn’t worth getting upset about. Wrong thing to say, now your spouse accuses you of not supporting him and always siding with the kids. He threatens to leave and not attend the party unless you take your words back.

What would you do? On one hand – you really should stand your ground. After all, it was a silly thing to get upset about. But on the other hand, if he leaves how will you explain his absence to your guests. What will people think, what rumors will start if he isn’t there?

A codependent family would rally around to make it better and give the alcoholic what he wants – just to keep the peace. The party would go on as planned, but there is an underlying tension that no one can quite figure out.

A family who has overcome codependent behaviors would have let the alcoholic leave. This is how he chose to react and who is he really hurting? Himself – he is missing out on a family experience because he chose to be selfish. You do not have to make excuses for him to your guests. Let it go.

Life is to important to get worked up about addiction drama – find happiness with your family with or without the alcoholic.

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Do You Fear Alcohol Addiction Recovery?

This is a tough question – Do you fear the recovery of your addict?  Of course you want the alcoholic/addict in your life to get better.  Life would be better if they were in recovery – right? But wait, how does recover affect me? Who will I take care of? How will their recovery change my identity? Think hard and answer the question again – do you fear the recovery of your addict?

Many people who are codependent identify themselves with the alcoholic/addict.  They are the caretaker, the worrier, the fixer, etc.  Though they may not realize it, they could be subconsiously preventing the recovery of their loved one.  They are unknowingly preventing it out of fear.  “What will happen to me if they get better?”  “They won’t need me anymore.”

The disease of alcoholism and drug addiction is known as a family disease – because it affects everyone close to the individual.  Living with an alcoholic or addict and their erratic behaviors takes it toll on every one around. Friends, coworkers, friends, and most of all family, are all affected in some way.  If the destructive behavior of alcoholic/codependent has gone on for years, it is the relationship that they both identify with. It is a sick circle that continues round and round until someone breaks free.  Usually that someone is the codependent person.

Often the alcoholic/addict only recognizes their problem when their loved ones break free from the cycle of codependent behavior.  The relationship is different and the alcoholic/addict has to take responsiblilty for their own actions because someone is not there to pick up the pieces and make everything all right.

One of the best ways to break free from codependecy is to attend group meetings for people in similar situations.  Al-Anon is available for spouses, family members and friends of alcoholics that are in and out of recovery.  These groups can help you find yourself again and see that there can be a better tomorrow.  Al-Anon groups meet all over the world and you can visit Al-Anon online to find a meeting near you.

Breaking free from codependency takes time and effort.  Recovery won’t come all at once, but little by little as you learn how to love yourself again.  You can be free from the heartache of codependency!

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Am I Codependent?

Did you know that at least one fourth of the population is in a family that is affected by addiction? Not just a relative who is an alcoholic/addict, but a first-degree relative! Close to 90% of all actively addicted persons live with their family or a significant other. That family or significant other is you, me and everyone else affected by addiction and who struggles with codependency.

Ask yourself, am I codependent? You look at yourself and you think ‘no, I am a loving, caring individual who is trying to help the addict in my life.’ This is true, you are a loving, caring individual. And you ARE trying to help the alcoholic/addict overcome their addictions. But, are you caring about you? Are you loving and caring toward the person who needs it the most – yourself?

Here are some characteristics of Codependent behavior. Can you see yourself in any of these?

  • You go the extra mile to keep the peace in your home
  • You feel responsible for other peoples feelings, choices, wants, needs, etc.
  • Try to please others all the time, regardless if you are happy or not
  • Are unable to say no even when your are already stretched thin
  • Feel guilty when someone is giving to you
  • Feel angry and victimized
  • You try to catch your addict in the act of misbehaving
  • You are constantly searching for clues or some concrete proof of alcohol in the home
  • You always try to prove yourself, yet you never feel you measure up
  • You fear rejection
  • You are very hard on yourself. You are unhappy with how your look, think, feel, & act
  • You blame yourself
  • You desperately need love and affection
  • You lie to yourself that you can fix it
  • You wonder why you can’t catch up and get things done
  • You say what you THINK people want to hear instead of what you THINK
  • You blame others for your problems
  • You feel guilt for everything. Guilt for enjoying something, guilt for spending money on yourself. Just GUILT!
  • You believe you opinion doesn’t matter
  • You lie to protect the ones you love and to cover up for them
  • You lie to cover up for yourself
  • You have difficulty expressing your emotions honestly

This list could go on and on and you may not feel like everything on the list applies to you. But even if some of it does, you could be codependent. Life does seem unbearable – at times you don’t want to put another step forward. But life is good! We just need to change our outlook and learn to deal with our alcoholics differently!

You are a person of worth! Remember that you CAN break free from codependency.

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