Here is a short video that can help you decide if you are codependent or not. Watch it carefully and see if these factors are present in your relationship.
Mental health
Are you a victim? After all you do for your significant other, and how dare they treat you this way. They just wad up your heart and toss it out with yesterday’s news. Yes, you are the ultimate victim and it is all the alcoholic’s fault – right?
You are used and abused, unappreciated and bullied, emotionally destroyed. You have people who you can complain to who agree that you are a victim. They agree that your spouse is an awful person and that you are a saint to put up with it all.
But, could it be that you are unaware that you are playing the part of the victim because that is how you identify yourself. It is important that someone validates how we feel, so we are drawn to people who will agree with our view of being a victim.
One of the first steps to overcoming Codependency and it’s traits it to stop believing we are the victim. You feel like a victim because of all you have been through with the alcoholic/addict. But feeling like a victim and becoming a victim are two different things.
When you blame the alcoholic in your life for making you a victim, you are giving them power. You are allowing them to control your perception of yourself. When you push the responsibility of your feelings and sense of self to someone else, you are giving up control. It is time to take that control back.
You can take that control back by being honest with yourself. Years of codependency have created a bubble around your sense of self – do you really know who you are? What are your goals, your hopes, your dreams for the future. It is time to look inside and rediscover you!
Start a little at a time, write down positive things you see in yourself. Don’t think about anything negative – you get enough negative in your daily life. This is about discovering the good in yourself. It is there, search and you will find it.
Life is a better place when you are free from the victim within. Let it go – find peace within. You might not have peace in your relationship, but you can have peace within yourself. Don’t be a victim anymore!
Hope is all around you. You can find it in nature, in a child’s laugh, a visit with a friend. Hope is sustaining, it helps to get you through another day. Sometimes it feels like you are clinging to hope like a lifeboat, adrift in a sea of guilt and despair.
Occasionally, you will run across something that clicks right at that moment. It is just like someone is speaking to you, sending you a message. They are the words you need to hear – right then.
This saying is one of those things. I found it in a stack of handouts at a support group I attended. It spoke to me then, and it still does now. I hope it can help you.
God’s Answer
I asked you, God for strength that I might achieve;
I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey.
I asked for help that I might do greater things;
I was given infirmity that I might do better things.
I asked for riches that I might be happy;
I was given poverty that I might be wise.
I asked for power that I might have the praise of others;
I was given weakness that I might feel the need for you.
I asked for all things that I might enjoy life;
I was given life that I might enjoy all things.
No God, I’ve got nothing that I’ve asked for,
but everything I had hoped for.
Despite myself, my prayers were answers,
and I am among those most richly blessed.
Look back on your life. Yes, there have been struggles – major ones even. Yet, would you be the person you are today if you had not experienced life the way you did? You are a stronger person because of where you have been and what life has given you. You have a greater understanding of the trials others are going through -whatever they may be. Because of that, you have compassion. Because of your trials, you can give hope to someone else.
Life is good! You have the power for peace and happiness within you. Allow yourself to find it. There is hope for a brighter day!
Did you know that at least one fourth of the population is in a family that is affected by addiction? Not just a relative who is an alcoholic/addict, but a first-degree relative! Close to 90% of all actively addicted persons live with their family or a significant other. That family or significant other is you, me and everyone else affected by addiction and who struggles with codependency.
Ask yourself, am I codependent? You look at yourself and you think ‘no, I am a loving, caring individual who is trying to help the addict in my life.’ This is true, you are a loving, caring individual. And you ARE trying to help the alcoholic/addict overcome their addictions. But, are you caring about you? Are you loving and caring toward the person who needs it the most – yourself?
Here are some characteristics of Codependent behavior. Can you see yourself in any of these?
- You go the extra mile to keep the peace in your home
- You feel responsible for other peoples feelings, choices, wants, needs, etc.
- Try to please others all the time, regardless if you are happy or not
- Are unable to say no even when your are already stretched thin
- Feel guilty when someone is giving to you
- Feel angry and victimized
- You try to catch your addict in the act of misbehaving
- You are constantly searching for clues or some concrete proof of alcohol in the home
- You always try to prove yourself, yet you never feel you measure up
- You fear rejection
- You are very hard on yourself. You are unhappy with how your look, think, feel, & act
- You blame yourself
- You desperately need love and affection
- You lie to yourself that you can fix it
- You wonder why you can’t catch up and get things done
- You say what you THINK people want to hear instead of what you THINK
- You blame others for your problems
- You feel guilt for everything. Guilt for enjoying something, guilt for spending money on yourself. Just GUILT!
- You believe you opinion doesn’t matter
- You lie to protect the ones you love and to cover up for them
- You lie to cover up for yourself
- You have difficulty expressing your emotions honestly
This list could go on and on and you may not feel like everything on the list applies to you. But even if some of it does, you could be codependent. Life does seem unbearable – at times you don’t want to put another step forward. But life is good! We just need to change our outlook and learn to deal with our alcoholics differently!
You are a person of worth! Remember that you CAN break free from codependency.