Emotional Health and Wellbeing

Once a Victim, Always a Victim?

Are you a victim? After all you do for your significant other, and how dare they treat you this way.  They just wad up your heart and toss it out with yesterday’s news.  Yes, you are the ultimate victim and it is all the alcoholic’s fault – right?

You are used and abused, unappreciated and bullied, emotionally destroyed. You have people who you can complain to who agree that you are a victim. They agree that your spouse is an awful person and that you are a saint to put up with it all.

But, could it be that you are unaware that you are playing the part of the victim because that is how you identify yourself. It is important that someone validates how we feel, so we are drawn to people who will agree with our view of being a victim.

One of the first steps to overcoming Codependency and it’s traits it to stop believing we are the victim. You feel like a victim because of all you have been through with the alcoholic/addict. But feeling like a victim and becoming a victim are two different things.

When you blame the alcoholic in your life for making you a victim, you are giving them power. You are allowing them to control your perception of yourself. When you push the responsibility of your feelings and sense of self to someone else, you are giving up control. It is time to take that control back.

You can take that control back by being honest with yourself. Years of codependency have created a bubble around your sense of self – do you really know who you are? What are your goals, your hopes, your dreams for the future. It is time to look inside and rediscover you!

Start a little at a time, write down positive things you see in yourself. Don’t think about anything negative – you get enough negative in your daily life. This is about discovering the good in yourself. It is there, search and you will find it.

Life is a better place when you are free from the victim within. Let it go – find peace within. You might not have peace in your relationship, but you can have peace within yourself. Don’t be a victim anymore!

Posted to: Codependency, Relationships Comments Off

Do You Have Emotional Dependency?

People who are codependent have a belief system that is linked to how they relate to someone else. Usually that someone else is an alcoholic or drug addict.  Codependents identify their life and well being to how things are going for the alcoholic.  They believe that what they are doing is what is best.  But doing what they think is best for the alcoholic/addict, could destroy themselves.

Here is a small list of behaviors/beliefs that define a codependent person.  There are so many behaviors that this  list could go on and on.  But look at it – can you see yourself in any of these behaviors?

    • I feel good about myself when I am with or belong to someone
    • I focus my attention on pleasing others
    • ‘Helping’ others fix their problems boosts my self esteem
    • If someone close to me is having struggles, it affects my peace of mind
    • I am aware of how those around me feel, but I don’t know how I feel
    • Relieving someone’s pain boosts my self esteem
    • Getting approval from others makes me feel good
    • I seldom give myself approval for doing a good job
    • I fear rejection and it affects what I say or do
    • I believe my hopes and dreams are linked to other people in my life
    • Other people’s opinions are more important than mine
    • I will put my values aside to gain approval
    • My happiness is directly related to the happiness of those around me
    • I focus on protecting others – both from their own actions and the actions of others
    • Other people’s interests and hobbies are more important than my own
    • I try to manipulate others to do things my way (although I may not be aware I am doing this)
    • When I am in a relationships, my association with friends diminishes
    • Fear of anger motivates me. I give more of myself to feel safe

If you can see yourself in one or more of these statements, you have codependent traits. You need to change your belief system and convince yourself you are a person of worth. You cannot count on the alcoholic/addict in your life to wake up and realize what a wonderful person you are – although we all hope for that!

Start today – make yourself a sign and post it where you will see it every day. Write something positive about yourself or an inspirational quote. If nothing else write – ‘I am a person of worth!’. Break free from the beliefs of codependency now.

Posted to: Symptoms Comments Off