codependent

Stuck in a Codependent Relationship With a Needy, Controlling, Or Emotionally Volatile Woman?

What is codependency?

I’ve known numerous men who have been in relationships with clingy, needy, overly-emotional, jealous, and controlling women.  These men are frustrated with what they perceive as their girlfriend’s flaws.  They often don’t realize that their own behavior is contributing to the unhealthy relationship and allowing it to persist.

These men are often stuck in codependent relationships.  The term “codependent” is commonly used to refer to individuals who are overly reliant on their partners, using them as a crutch and not wanting to leave their side.  However, it can apply to any unhealthy emotional dependency.  When a man stays in a relationships with a clingy, jealous, critical partner, he feels dependent on her approval.

Any man with a high level of self-esteem and healthy attitude towards relationships would not tolerate such a relationship.  He’d either take action to stop the pattern, or simply leave.  Men who get stuck in a codependent relationship, on the other hand, end up pursuing an endless pattern of trying to please their partner, and feeling frustrated when their desire for freedom conflicts with their partners need for rigid conformity to her needy patterns of behavior.

All relationships should have plenty of mutual acceptance, space to be alone, time with friends (of both genders), and respect.  Often, codependent relationships are lacking these things.

There are two dynamics going on in such relationships:

1) Her issues (often revolving around low self-esteem) prompt her to be controlling, jealous and overly sensitive .

2) Your issues (often involving shame and the desire to please) prompt you to stay in an unhealthy relationship – despite the stress  and dissatisfaction — for fear of disappointing her.

Are you in a Codependent Relationship?

If you’re in a codependent relationship with a controlling or needy woman, you might find that the relationship is especially restrictive.  Some common traits of these relationships include:

You have to always let her know where you are When you’re out, you have to speak on the phone multiple times a day You are discouraged from keeping female friends She takes an active dislike of some of your friends and/or family, and feels offended that you would have them as part of your life She attempts to control your internet usage, or monitors your email and other online communications (Facebook, etc.) She shows excessive jealousy She has difficulty letting petty issues go, and instead insists that you both talk about them at length She mistrusts you and casts a suspicious eye, even if you’ve done nothing wrong She’s often critical of your behavior You find yourself often “walking on eggshells” around her Your friends tell you that you shouldn’t put up with her, but you feel the need to stay You can’t speak your mind because you’re too afraid of how she’ll react You’ve considered breaking up for a long time, but you don’t want to break her heart You feel that she may not be able to live without you, or you’ve tried to break up and she threatened drastic action (quitting her job, hurting herself, etc.)

These are just a few possible indicators of a codependent relationship, and by no means is an exhaustive list.

What’s Wrong with Codependent Relationships?

Relationships should be places of comfort and acceptance, and they should be avenues to expanding your horizons, not restricting them.  Relationships should add joy to one’s life, and though they often hit rough patches, a relationship shouldn’t be a constant burden.  Codependent relationships can be so stressful and restrictive that the men involved often reach a boiling point, blowing-up at their partner.  It’s like a release valve, and after the pressure dissipates a bit, they fall right back into the pattern.

It’s up to these men to determine whether they want to remain in that relationship or find their way to freedom.  If you see yourself described in this article, take hope — many men are stuck in similar situations, and there is a way out.

More Codependents Articles

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Alcoholic Families – Part 3

Family members think they are doing the right thing when they play the roles in an alcoholic family. They cannot see that what the are really doing is enabling the alcoholic to continue with his current behavior. So, while the family thinks they are helping, they are really hurting the situation.

As I stated in my previous post, family members revolve around the alcoholic, tending to every need.  Never really giving a thought to their own needs or even realizing that this way of life is not normal.  Some of the behaviors that the family has learned are:

  • Watch what you say. Your words can either trigger an angry rage, or come back at you when the alcoholic is drunk. It is easier to stick to very simple communication.
  • Clean up. Take care of the messes the alcoholic might make. After all, someone might show up at the door and we don’t want them to know!
  • Always let the alcoholic have his way. If you cooked chicken for dinner and he says he wanted steak. What do you do? Cook him a steak!
  • Make excuses. Even kids learn how to make excuses for their alcoholic parent. “Why didn’t your dad pick you up after the dance?” “His car broke down.”

All of these characteristics are learned behaviors. They have been learned so we can cope and try to function in a dysfunctional family.

What is sad is when one person tries to break free from the codependent behavior, there is always someone else in the family to take over.

  • Martha had been reading books about codependency.  She was working on overcoming her codependent beliefs and was trying not to enable her alcoholic husband.  One evening, she had plans to go to dinner with some friends.  When she was getting ready, she heard a thud.  When she went to investigate, she found her husband passed out on the floor.  He made the choice to drink, so he would have to deal with the consequences.  So she left him there.  While she was out, her son came home from college.  He found dad on the floor – so he helped him to the couch and made him comfortable. He then called dads work and made an excuse for his absence. Then he cleaned the vomit off the floor.  Although he thought he was doing the right thing, he really just filling in as the caretaker since Martha had decided not to be codependent anymore.

It is important for all family members to learn to overcome codependency so the cycle doesn’t continue. Family counseling and family support groups are very beneficial for alcoholic families. Let the healing begin!

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Alcoholic Families – Part 1

Alcoholism has been called the ‘Family Disease’ because it  affects everyone in the family to some extent.  In many families, all the members have become enablers. By refusing to admit there is a problem in their family, they are all allowing the destructive behavior to continue.

Families of alcoholics are always on guard because they never know what the drinkers behavior will be from one moment to the next. Children do not invite friends over, spouses make excuses for not attending social functions, etc.

Perhaps a scenario like this has played out in your home:

  • It is one of the kids birthdays and you are having a family dinner. You are on edge because family functions are a trigger for alcohol abuse and none of your guests are aware of the problem. Your kids are are acting silly – partly because of the excitement of the party, and partly to release anxiety about other people seeing dad drunk. About 5 minutes before the guests arrive, one of the kids says something innocent that upsets your spouse. You try to calm them down, but in doing so you tell your spouse that the comment wasn’t worth getting upset about. Wrong thing to say, now your spouse accuses you of not supporting him and always siding with the kids. He threatens to leave and not attend the party unless you take your words back.

What would you do? On one hand – you really should stand your ground. After all, it was a silly thing to get upset about. But on the other hand, if he leaves how will you explain his absence to your guests. What will people think, what rumors will start if he isn’t there?

A codependent family would rally around to make it better and give the alcoholic what he wants – just to keep the peace. The party would go on as planned, but there is an underlying tension that no one can quite figure out.

A family who has overcome codependent behaviors would have let the alcoholic leave. This is how he chose to react and who is he really hurting? Himself – he is missing out on a family experience because he chose to be selfish. You do not have to make excuses for him to your guests. Let it go.

Life is to important to get worked up about addiction drama – find happiness with your family with or without the alcoholic.

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Am I Codependent?

Did you know that at least one fourth of the population is in a family that is affected by addiction? Not just a relative who is an alcoholic/addict, but a first-degree relative! Close to 90% of all actively addicted persons live with their family or a significant other. That family or significant other is you, me and everyone else affected by addiction and who struggles with codependency.

Ask yourself, am I codependent? You look at yourself and you think ‘no, I am a loving, caring individual who is trying to help the addict in my life.’ This is true, you are a loving, caring individual. And you ARE trying to help the alcoholic/addict overcome their addictions. But, are you caring about you? Are you loving and caring toward the person who needs it the most – yourself?

Here are some characteristics of Codependent behavior. Can you see yourself in any of these?

  • You go the extra mile to keep the peace in your home
  • You feel responsible for other peoples feelings, choices, wants, needs, etc.
  • Try to please others all the time, regardless if you are happy or not
  • Are unable to say no even when your are already stretched thin
  • Feel guilty when someone is giving to you
  • Feel angry and victimized
  • You try to catch your addict in the act of misbehaving
  • You are constantly searching for clues or some concrete proof of alcohol in the home
  • You always try to prove yourself, yet you never feel you measure up
  • You fear rejection
  • You are very hard on yourself. You are unhappy with how your look, think, feel, & act
  • You blame yourself
  • You desperately need love and affection
  • You lie to yourself that you can fix it
  • You wonder why you can’t catch up and get things done
  • You say what you THINK people want to hear instead of what you THINK
  • You blame others for your problems
  • You feel guilt for everything. Guilt for enjoying something, guilt for spending money on yourself. Just GUILT!
  • You believe you opinion doesn’t matter
  • You lie to protect the ones you love and to cover up for them
  • You lie to cover up for yourself
  • You have difficulty expressing your emotions honestly

This list could go on and on and you may not feel like everything on the list applies to you. But even if some of it does, you could be codependent. Life does seem unbearable – at times you don’t want to put another step forward. But life is good! We just need to change our outlook and learn to deal with our alcoholics differently!

You are a person of worth! Remember that you CAN break free from codependency.

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What is Codependency?

Codependency is a term that we seem to hear a lot, but what does it really mean? If a person is codependent are they a bad person? Are they crazy? Just what is Codependency?
The dictionary definition is:

co-de•pen•dent or co•de•pen•dent (kō’dĭ-pěn’dənt)
adj.
1. Mutually dependent.
2. Of or relating to a relationship in which one person is psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way on someone who is addicted to a drug or self-destructive behavior, such as chronic gambling.
n. One who is co-dependent or in a co-dependent relationship.
co’de•pen’dence, co’de•pen’den•cy n.

Hmm – I am not sure that definition describes me. Why would I be in an unhealthy relationship? Don’t I deserve better than that? The truth is, many people – both men and women are in unhealthy relationships. They just can’t see it or won’t admit it. I know this – I have been in a relationship like this for almost 30 years. Yet, I only admitted that it is codependent a few years ago.
We see ourselves as caretakers – people who do their best to look after the people they love. We protect them, clean up after them, make excuses for them, take care of them. We do all this to the point of destroying ourselves.

Does this sound familiar:

  • You have to be perfect all the time
  • You do not show emotion
  • You keep the family secrets
  • You make excuses & clean up the messes
  • Others opinions are more important than your own
  • You react from fear of rejection or anger – You do not voice your opinions because you fear the reaction you will get
  • Your quality of life is directly related to your relationships
  • Low self esteem
  • No boundaries or the boundaries are not firm

The list could go on and on. But we don’t want to dwell on the negative. This site is here to help us overcome our destructive behaviors and find the happiness and peace we crave. So let’s begin this journey together as we strive to break free! We will learn and explore just what is codependency.

Posted to: Codependency, Definition, Symptoms Comments Off
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