Codependency

The Three Flavors of Codependency

The Three Flavors of Codependency

The Non-existent codependent

There are three “flavors” or types of codependency identified by professionals in the field of addiction. The first two were identified and described in two earlier posts. These are, in brief, what I called “the codependent in charge,” and the “super-denier.”

The third type of codependent is the most pitiful. This person needs somebody else in the scapegoat-blustering- abusive role in order to be complete. This codependent thinks so little of themselves that they only exist as a reflection of the other person. I call this flavor “the non-existent codependent.

I once heard a counselor refer to this person as the spider on the mirror. If the addict is the spider and the codependent only the reflection of the spider in the mirror, the reflection has opted out of making any life decisions. The reflection just reacts to every move of the spider, never taking the risk involved in making personal choices or decisions. The dependency is so complete here that, should the spider walk off of the mirror, the reflection disappears!

Given those dire consequences, the name of the game for the codependent is doing everything necessary to avoid being abandoned. There is just no limit to which the reflection will go to accommodate the behavior of the addict. Public humiliation at the hands of the sick person, especially when that person is “in his cups” is common.

This role is often favored by Al-Anon women. Women still do not make equal pay for equal responsibility on the job in America. It has been my observation through the decades that a woman is much more likely to stay with an alcoholic husband (or wealthy alcoholic father) for financial and security reasons than is a man. Most men will leave the alcoholic wife (usually to go and find another one that he can dominate), where most codependent women will stay with an addicted man as long as he continues functioning well enough to support the family. This is why her bottom so often comes when he loses his last job. For everyone there is a different bottom…a different “last straw,” be it infidelity, loss of health, domestic violence, incarceration, or bankruptcy, but for the codependent whose very identity depends upon the addict that bottom is likely to be a very low one.

Because these behaviors developed over a long period of time it is not reasonable to expect them to disappear overnight. Detaching from our closest family members is the most difficult detachment of all. We love these people, and they love us. These are the people who cared for us when we were helpless, who loved us when we were not so lovable. They gave birth to us or married us and bore our children. We shared Christmases, birthdays, paychecks and colds with them. We changed their diapers. However, even in the face of all of this history, we can only recover from our sick dependencies upon them when we do the hard work of changing ourselves from the inside out.

Most truths come to us through other people, such as parents, teachers and preachers. Other truths, however, come to us from personal experience, and those are always the most profound. One truth that came to me early in my program is this one; you never harm another person by growing yourself.

Heard at a meeting; “I feel guilty feeling joyful while my alcoholic wife is not.”

Here is an important point; you are half of every relationship, so when you grow you make the sum of the relationship greater. Some will just not go with you. Some are not willing to grow, some do not know where to start, and some never even think that thought because they believe that they have already arrived and that they are perfect!

I have seen multiple means of making the break from family members in order to grow. Some have to sever the relationship altogether for a period of time. Some can continue the relationship on a shallow level and then allow the depth to come another day. Some have to accept the fact that the other person is never going to change. These are hard truths. The good news that comes to us through recovery is that change is possible. Change in thinking, change in behavior, change in attitude…all of this awaits the recovering individual who is willing to put forth the time and energy necessary to effect that change!

If you recognize yourself in this or any other codependent role, PLEASE go for help. Al-Anon is free, it is in your community, and you can find a meeting in a matter of moments through the Al-Anon World Service Office. You can reach Al-Anon at 1-888-4-AL-ANON, or through their excellent web site at www.al-anon.alateen.org.

Author’s qualifications

Ken P.

Ken P. was raised in poverty among what would in AA terminology be referred to as “low-bottom drunks.” He was also married for 19 years to a woman who became a practicing alcoholic.

Ken is a singular man in that he has been active in the Al-Anon recovery program for 30 years, a program usually attended by women. Through the years Ken has sonsored many men, spoken at major Al-Anon and AA conferences, and served as chairman of the board of directors for the Al-Anon Intergroup office, which serves over 200 weekly meetings in the Houston area. The 12-step program has given Ken a totally new life, which he shares with his wife, who will be called Katy in his writings. Next to his relationship with the God of his understanding, Ken values the deep loving relationship he and Katy have formed more than anything else.

Recently, Ken has dedicated himself to his 12-step program, and to tutoring students in the SAT, higher math and science. He began writing about the recovery process for men with addicted family members in June of 2006.

For Ken personally, publication of his thoughts represents the chance to help the families of addicts on an even broader scale, which he is convinced is one of the most important purposes for his life.

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Codependency Treatment

My favorite codependency treatment self help tools involve biofeedback, brain fitness, sound and light, education, and reading.

Codependency is based on memories. No child is born codependent, so we learn it. Memories are powerful, especially if you experienced or saw violence as a kid.

Attachment must be completed effectively for adult relationships to be effective, and work with a therapist is appropriate for psychological issues.

However memories, no matter how powerful, can be worked with. I know it is possible because I have participated in therapies like psychodrama and holotropic breathwork which can expand your work with your counselor or therapist using cognitive behavioral therapy or existential therapy or psychodynamic therapy, ect.

I also know that great American tradition of self help works, because I am a veteran of almost 30 years of experience, one day at a time, through the grace of the higher power.

So when I first heard about codependence, I took up the ACOA, or adult child of alcoholic process, which is based on the 12 step model.

In the Big Book of AA, there are a few brief paragraphs talking about the Promises of AA, what will result if you are diligent in doing the steps, and those brief paragraphs state that if you pay attention to the solution, you get more solution, and if you pay attention to the problem, you get more problem, which is the essence of what I think is the core of therapy and self help.

Change the thought and change the feeling. If I feel good, then I act positively.

What the codependency treatment and therapy folks do not mention is that we have this brain that is set up to re-orient itself very frequently, and when I re-orient, I may not come back to the effective thought I was just practicing, I may come back to a problem thought, so I need to pay attention to my thinking and keep it more often than not on the solution thoughts.

Sound like meditation to you? Or mindfulness? Or Flow? Yes it does, and attention can be trained cognitively or physiologically, using biofeedback or meditation.

The first self-help tool that I am recommending, one I have used since 2000, and taught to hundreds of clients is HeartMath.

I practice on a computer 5 to 10 times, and then I can cue the physiology without the computer, because I have taught the brain in my heart to respond to a breathing pattern and a cue thought.

Can you imagine cuing a coherent heart rate heart beat by heart beat? Sure takes the emotional volatility out of codependence doesn’t it.

Yes, it also very healthy for every cell in my body. I like to call it a walking meditation and the best part is my body gets to like it, and reminds me to practice, so it can stay calm.

When the codependency treatment discovery process began in the early 1980′s, no one knew that the heart had a brain of its own, no one knew that heart intelligence sent more data up than the brain sent down, and no one knew that the brain grew new brain cells (neurogenesis) or was so plastic (neuroplasticity), and no one knew that those particular brain capacities could be trained.

So as part of my 12 step work, I work to keep my brain healthy, using physical exercise, good nutrition including omega 3 fatty acid supplementation (crucial to attention on the solution), good sleep, stress management, and novel learning experiences, including computerized brain fitness programs, which have been shown to actually change the structure of my brain with enough practice.

Why would an old wino with neuropathy in his left hand want a healthy brain as a parent of youngsters, and heading into his Senior years? You know the answer to that.

I want to challenge my brain.

If you want to read a bit about brain fitness, which is the core of self-help, recovery, any change in life, then read Brainfit for Life by Simon Evans,Ph.D. and Paul Burghardt,Ph.D. who are neuroscientists at the University of Michigan.

They go into a great amount of detail about what research reveals in regards to enhancing neurogenesis and neuroplasticity, which is again the crux of any self-help process.

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What are the Physical Symptoms of Codependency?

Codependency is a pattern of behavior in which people appear to place the needs of others before their own needs. As a result, codependent people may have difficulty forming healthy and balanced relationships. Instead, they tend to get close to other people who have addictions or mental health problems that the codependent person tries to ignore or avoid.

Codependency was first described as a pattern among partners or family members of people with alcohol and drug problems. Since then, the term “codependent” has been adapted to many situations.

Codependent people often look for something outside themselves that makes them feel better. Dysfunctional families, in which misbehavior or abuse is accepted as normal, are a major source of codependent behavior.

Codependent people fall easily into a caretaker role. They often view themselves as “martyrs” and thrive on the sense of being needed. In addition, they may not acknowledge that a problem (e.g., a partner’s alcoholism) exists. Over time, the sense of caring can become compulsive and emotionally draining, leaving the codependent person feeling angry and unappreciated.

People engaged in codependent behavior tend to avoid confronting difficult emotions. They feel disconnected from their own needs and desires, struggle with their feelings and have difficulty trusting others. The emotional toll of codependency often leads patients to try to escape through drug and alcohol abuse. Others with codependency may develop compulsive behaviors such as gambling or risky sex.

Several types of psychotherapy, including cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) and family therapy, may be used to treat codependency. Treatment may take the form of individual or group therapy, or a combination of both. Ultimately, treatment for codependency is only successful when patients move away from excessive caretaking and learn to address their own needs.

Several forms of therapy may be used to treat codependency, including family therapy and cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). Patients will likely explore issues from their childhood that may have led them to form the destructive patterns that are in place today. Therapy may take the form of individual or group counseling, or a combination of both.

During treatment, patients may be encouraged to reconstruct family dynamics and to try to get in touch with hidden emotions. The goal is to have patients reconnect with their feelings.

Ultimately, treatment for codependency will not be successful unless the patient learns to recognize and stop behavior that has negative consequences for the patient. Patients must move away from excessive caretaking and learn to address their own needs.

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Signs of Codependency

Codependency usually comes about as your response to another person’s chemical dependency. It revolves around your relationships with the people in your life. It involves the effects these people have on you. You, in turn, then try to affect them and their behaviors. As you begin to see them spiraling out of control, you end up trying to control their behavior.

The soul of codependency lays in you, though, not the other person. It is a silent war you begin within yourself. Usually it develops from low self-esteem. The codependent person does not feel worthy. It is a dysfunctional relationship with the self. Because you live a dysfunctional relationship internally it manifests externally to others. You don’t love yourself and you don’t trust yourself either. You tend to be out of balance and out of harmony. You may feel disconnected. You tend to live life in a reactor mode and give your power over to outside sources.

Chemical dependency is recognized as a disease. Codependency may not be recognized in the same means, but it can make you sick and will not help you or your loved one start on the road to recovery. Codependency is a progressive state. As things around you get steadily worse, your reactions to those things become more intense. In the back of your mind you may think you are helping the other person. You may have the best intentions. As you see it, they are destroying themselves. You don’t realize that the characteristics you portray as a response to their behavior not only sabotage your relationship with that person, but sabotage yourself.

Codependents feel obligated to offer unwanted advice to help the other person solve what you see as their problems. You feel responsible for the other person. Somewhere wrapped up in that process you are trying to please others. You want them to see you as necessary in their lives. You want them to see how essential you are to their well being. You will even abandon your own routine to help the other person.

When your help is either brushed off or not effective the way you thought it would be you become angry. You blame others for the spot you are in. You blame others for making you feel the way you do. You feel unappreciated, used and you become a victim. Over time you learn how to endure it. You live with the anxiety, the hurt and the anger.

If these signs sound familiar, there is help. Once you have determined that these feelings and tendencies in no way help you or the other person, you must focus on correcting your inclination towards codependency. First, accept that we all are responsible for our own feelings and actions. Do not be afraid to let the other person live their life, to live with the consequences they create. Love the person and be there for them, but do not try to control or manipulate the final outcome of their behavior. It may be hard at first, but they too have a lesson to learn that you will not always be there to bail them out of their bad choices.

Second, realize that you are worthy of being loved. Don’t center your life on other people thinking that you don’t deserve happiness too. Stop looking to relationships to provide you all your good feelings. Look within you and start loving yourself. Then others around you will see the radiance you exhibit and will gravitate toward you.

Third, begin to focus on your own life. You have probably let it slide to the wayside. Look for your happiness within yourself, not outside towards others. Think about your passions and what makes you happy. Then start to concentrate on the steps you can take to start living a joyful life.

You may be codependent, but know that you are a strong people. You have just mistakenly focused your attention toward the wrong thing. You have the power to change and to start recovery. That will let you be who you are while letting the other person be who they are.

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Alcoholic Families – Part 2

Alcoholic families have interesting dynamics – everyone has a role. Just like parts in a play, they act out their roles and revolve around the central character like he is the most important being on the earth. No wonder the alcoholic treats everyone like his personal servants – that is what they have become.

Here are some roles that you will find in a alcoholic family. Do they sound familiar?

The caretaker: This is usually played by an adult in the family. They make sure everything is taken care of. The bills are paid, the shopping is done, the house is clean, etc. The caretaker is so busy taking care of everthing and everyone else that he/she has no time for his/her own needs.
The scapegoat: This is the person who seems to get the blame for everything. If the alcoholic trips over something, it is because the scapegoat left it out. The focus changes from the alcoholic being drunk to the scapegoat being lazy by not putting things away.
The hero: This is the over achiever. The child who tries hard to succeed in everything. The one who makes the family look good. However, even the hero’s feelings get overlooked in an alcoholic family.
The clown: If this person keeps everyone laughing, no one will cry – right? However, many times the humor prevents healing in the family. Instead of facing the problem, the laughter distracts from it.
The lost child: This child doesn’t say much, just keeps to himself. He might like to watch TV, play video games, or stay in his room. He is overlooked because he is so quiet. But he is observing more than you know.

Can you see these roles in your family? It is time to break the cycle. For yourself and your children – let them know what it is really like to be a kid! There is hope for alcoholic families. I have mentioned Al-Anon before, there is also Alateen for teenagers.

There are many books on the market that help you break free from codependency roles. Reading a chapter before bed can help put positive thought in your hear and in turn, help you start the next day with a new perspective.

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Alcoholic Families – Part 1

Alcoholism has been called the ‘Family Disease’ because it affects everyone in the family to some extent. In many families, all the members have become enablers. By refusing to admit there is a problem in their family, they are all allowing the destructive behavior to continue.

Families of alcoholics are always on guard because they never know what the drinkers behavior will be from one moment to the next. Children do not invite friends over, spouses make excuses for not attending social functions, etc.

Perhaps a scenario like this has played out in your home:

It is one of the kids birthdays and you are having a family dinner. You are on edge because family functions are a trigger for alcohol abuse and none of your guests are aware of the problem. Your kids are are acting silly – partly because of the excitement of the party, and partly to release anxiety about other people seeing dad drunk. About 5 minutes before the guests arrive, one of the kids says something innocent that upsets your spouse. You try to calm them down, but in doing so you tell your spouse that the comment wasn’t worth getting upset about. Wrong thing to say, now your spouse accuses you of not supporting him and always siding with the kids. He threatens to leave and not attend the party unless you take your words back.

What would you do? On one hand – you really should stand your ground. After all, it was a silly thing to get upset about. But on the other hand, if he leaves how will you explain his absence to your guests. What will people think, what rumors will start if he isn’t there?

A codependent family would rally around to make it better and give the alcoholic what he wants – just to keep the peace. The party would go on as planned, but there is an underlying tension that no one can quite figure out.

A family who has overcome codependent behaviors would have let the alcoholic leave. This is how he chose to react and who is he really hurting? Himself – he is missing out on a family experience because he chose to be selfish. You do not have to make excuses for him to your guests. Let it go.

Life is to important to get worked up about addiction drama – find happiness with your family with or without the alcoholic.

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Do You Have Emotional Dependency?

People who are codependent have a belief system that is linked to how they relate to someone else. Usually that someone else is an alcoholic or drug addict. Codependents identify their life and well being to how things are going for the alcoholic. They believe that what they are doing is what is best. But doing what they think is best for the alcoholic/addict, could destroy themselves.

Here is a small list of behaviors/beliefs that define a codependent person. There are so many behaviors that this list could go on and on. But look at it – can you see yourself in any of these behaviors?

I feel good about myself when I am with or belong to someone
I focus my attention on pleasing others
‘Helping’ others fix their problems boosts my self esteem
If someone close to me is having struggles, it affects my peace of mind
I am aware of how those around me feel, but I don’t know how I feel
Relieving someone’s pain boosts my self esteem
Getting approval from others makes me feel good
I seldom give myself approval for doing a good job
I fear rejection and it affects what I say or do
I believe my hopes and dreams are linked to other people in my life
Other people’s opinions are more important than mine
I will put my values aside to gain approval
My happiness is directly related to the happiness of those around me
I focus on protecting others – both from their own actions and the actions of others
Other people’s interests and hobbies are more important than my own
I try to manipulate others to do things my way (although I may not be aware I am doing this)
When I am in a relationships, my association with friends diminishes
Fear of anger motivates me. I give more of myself to feel safe

If you can see yourself in one or more of these statements, you have codependent traits. You need to change your belief system and convince yourself you are a person of worth. You cannot count on the alcoholic/addict in your life to wake up and realize what a wonderful person you are – although we all hope for that!

Start today – make yourself a sign and post it where you will see it every day. Write something positive about yourself or an inspirational quote. If nothing else write – ‘I am a person of worth!’. Break free from the beliefs of codependency now.

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Do You Fear Alcohol Addiction Recovery?

This is a tough question – Do you fear the recovery of your addict? Of course you want the alcoholic/addict in your life to get better. Life would be better if they were in recovery – right? But wait, how does recover affect me? Who will I take care of? How will their recovery change my identity? Think hard and answer the question again – do you fear the recovery of your addict?

Many people who are codependent identify themselves with the alcoholic/addict. They are the caretaker, the worrier, the fixer, etc. Though they may not realize it, they could be subconsiously preventing the recovery of their loved one. They are unknowingly preventing it out of fear. “What will happen to me if they get better?” “They won’t need me anymore.”

The disease of alcoholism and drug addiction is known as a family disease – because it affects everyone close to the individual. Living with an alcoholic or addict and their erratic behaviors takes it toll on every one around. Friends, coworkers, friends, and most of all family, are all affected in some way. If the destructive behavior of alcoholic/codependent has gone on for years, it is the relationship that they both identify with. It is a sick circle that continues round and round until someone breaks free. Usually that someone is the codependent person.

Often the alcoholic/addict only recognizes their problem when their loved ones break free from the cycle of codependent behavior. The relationship is different and the alcoholic/addict has to take responsiblilty for their own actions because someone is not there to pick up the pieces and make everything all right.

One of the best ways to break free from codependecy is to attend group meetings for people in similar situations. Al-Anon is available for spouses, family members and friends of alcoholics that are in and out of recovery. These groups can help you find yourself again and see that there can be a better tomorrow. Al-Anon groups meet all over the world and you can visit Al-Anon online to find a meeting near you.

Breaking free from codependency takes time and effort. Recovery won’t come all at once, but little by little as you learn how to love yourself again. You can be free from the heartache of codependency!

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