Alcoholism

Alcoholism and The Family Affair: How Alcoholism Affects the Family

Being an alcoholic is no fun and certainly nobody denies that addiction is a form of sickness in whatever form it takes. However, being closely associated with an alcoholic is also no bed of roses and entire families are affected by the social behavior of someone in the grip of alcohol addiction.

For a long term partner, wife or husband, there is a certain obligation felt to help the addict and support them in seeking professional help. For young children and teenagers there are often deeper issues to address, some of which are not aired for months or years as the family struggles to help control the effects of addiction.

When an alcoholic is living within a large family structure, it is reasonable to assume they take up a great deal of attention that might usually be required to help younger members of the family through difficulties caused by adolescence; exams; teenage physical development. Teenagers already have a battle with hormones: add Grandpa’s elderly problems and Dad’s alcohol addiction to the mix and you have a recipe for explosive family confrontations on a daily basis.

Extreme addiction to alcohol produces some unpleasant problems, not the least of which is financial. Alcoholism is an expensive addiction and one that requires a constant cash injection to sustain an adequate supply of liquor. Cash spent on a bottle is no longer available for the things teenagers tend to think are essential to life, such as clothes, cell phones and money for entertainment. The lack of funds can make a youngster resent the cause of ‘not being able to do stuff’.

The younger members of the family, although sympathetic with elderly problems, tend to view addiction as an indulgence. Grandparents with elderly problems are usually very welcome to be absent minded or even slightly senile, but not to be addicted to drinking. Resentment causes teenagers to rebel and object and so the vicious circle goes on and on…

An even greater problem occurs when the addict is a mother. Mothers who have an alcohol addiction have multiple problems to overcome for a number of reasons. Women often provide the daily routine in the house, beginning with getting the children out of bed in the mornings to eat their breakfast and ending with putting them to bed at night after a nutritious supper and a warm bath. All of this breaks down when the lady of the house is sleeping off a bottle induced stupor somewhere by the end of the morning.

The result is that other members of the family, some of whom might be trying to cope with elderly problems, must take over the household responsibilities while Mom sobers up in the corner – or not, as the case may be. Many American homes are being run by elderly grandparents because parents are either absent or drunk. The social difficulties faced by these reluctant carers Fare immense and in some cases, insurmountable.

Find More Coping With An Alcoholic Husband Articles

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Once a Victim, Always a Victim?

Are you a victim? After all you do for your significant other, and how dare they treat you this way. They just wad up your heart and toss it out with yesterday’s news. Yes, you are the ultimate victim and it is all the alcoholic’s fault – right?

You are used and abused, unappreciated and bullied, emotionally destroyed. You have people who you can complain to who agree that you are a victim. They agree that your spouse is an awful person and that you are a saint to put up with it all.

But, could it be that you are unaware that you are playing the part of the victim because that is how you identify yourself. It is important that someone validates how we feel, so we are drawn to people who will agree with our view of being a victim.

One of the first steps to overcoming Codependency and it’s traits it to stop believing we are the victim. You feel like a victim because of all you have been through with the alcoholic/addict. But feeling like a victim and becoming a victim are two different things.

When you blame the alcoholic in your life for making you a victim, you are giving them power. You are allowing them to control your perception of yourself. When you push the responsibility of your feelings and sense of self to someone else, you are giving up control. It is time to take that control back.

You can take that control back by being honest with yourself. Years of codependency have created a bubble around your sense of self – do you really know who you are? What are your goals, your hopes, your dreams for the future. It is time to look inside and rediscover you!

Start a little at a time, write down positive things you see in yourself. Don’t think about anything negative – you get enough negative in your daily life. This is about discovering the good in yourself. It is there, search and you will find it.

Life is a better place when you are free from the victim within. Let it go – find peace within. You might not have peace in your relationship, but you can have peace within yourself. Don’t be a victim anymore!

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Al-Anon: A Place of Comfort

Living with an alcoholic is frustrating. You can feel very alone and abandoned. Where can you turn? You need somewhere to go where you will be understood – where others have felt your pain. Al-Anon is that place.

Members of Al-Anon have or are currently living the life you are. They understand the fear, shame, and anxiety you feel. They have been through all the stages – the fear, guilt, anger, etc. They too have felt like a victim.

But Al-Anon offers comfort to those who come to the meetings. By working the 12 steps you will learn to look within yourself to find healing. Learn to overcome your codependent beliefs and learn to love yourself.

Just like in Alcoholics Anonymous, you will get a sponsor. Someone you can call anytime you find yourself needing someone to talk to. Al-Anon is people helping people at it’s finest. Once you learn to overcome using the 12 steps, you want to help others. You are obligated to help others – that is one of the steps, to help others along the way.

Al-Anon is about learning about yourself and how to change the way you react to what is going on in your life. It is not a place to complain about the alcoholic/addict in your life – it is a place to rediscover you. In a alcoholic relationship, healing begins with you.

Through Al-Anon you will realize that you are powerless over alcohol (and the alcoholic). You cannot make their choices for them, but you can choose how you react. You will learn the tools you need to handle situations and you will become stronger. Your life will take on new meaning and you will see the beauty around you once again.

For many people, going to Al-Anon is the first step to recovery of the alcoholic/addict in their life. I will not promise that they will recover, but seeing you in a better place can have a positive effect. Let Al-Anon become your place of comfort.

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Alcoholic Families – Part 3

Family members think they are doing the right thing when they play the roles in an alcoholic family. They cannot see that what the are really doing is enabling the alcoholic to continue with his current behavior. So, while the family thinks they are helping, they are really hurting the situation.

As I stated in my previous post, family members revolve around the alcoholic, tending to every need. Never really giving a thought to their own needs or even realizing that this way of life is not normal. Some of the behaviors that the family has learned are:

Watch what you say. Your words can either trigger an angry rage, or come back at you when the alcoholic is drunk. It is easier to stick to very simple communication.
Clean up. Take care of the messes the alcoholic might make. After all, someone might show up at the door and we don’t want them to know!
Always let the alcoholic have his way. If you cooked chicken for dinner and he says he wanted steak. What do you do? Cook him a steak!
Make excuses. Even kids learn how to make excuses for their alcoholic parent. “Why didn’t your dad pick you up after the dance?” “His car broke down.”

All of these characteristics are learned behaviors. They have been learned so we can cope and try to function in a dysfunctional family.

What is sad is when one person tries to break free from the codependent behavior, there is always someone else in the family to take over.

Martha had been reading books about codependency. She was working on overcoming her codependent beliefs and was trying not to enable her alcoholic husband. One evening, she had plans to go to dinner with some friends. When she was getting ready, she heard a thud. When she went to investigate, she found her husband passed out on the floor. He made the choice to drink, so he would have to deal with the consequences. So she left him there. While she was out, her son came home from college. He found dad on the floor – so he helped him to the couch and made him comfortable. He then called dads work and made an excuse for his absence. Then he cleaned the vomit off the floor. Although he thought he was doing the right thing, he really just filling in as the caretaker since Martha had decided not to be codependent anymore.

It is important for all family members to learn to overcome codependency so the cycle doesn’t continue. Family counseling and family support groups are very beneficial for alcoholic families. Let the healing begin!

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Alcoholic Families – Part 2

Alcoholic families have interesting dynamics – everyone has a role. Just like parts in a play, they act out their roles and revolve around the central character like he is the most important being on the earth. No wonder the alcoholic treats everyone like his personal servants – that is what they have become.

Here are some roles that you will find in a alcoholic family. Do they sound familiar?

The caretaker: This is usually played by an adult in the family. They make sure everything is taken care of. The bills are paid, the shopping is done, the house is clean, etc. The caretaker is so busy taking care of everthing and everyone else that he/she has no time for his/her own needs.
The scapegoat: This is the person who seems to get the blame for everything. If the alcoholic trips over something, it is because the scapegoat left it out. The focus changes from the alcoholic being drunk to the scapegoat being lazy by not putting things away.
The hero: This is the over achiever. The child who tries hard to succeed in everything. The one who makes the family look good. However, even the hero’s feelings get overlooked in an alcoholic family.
The clown: If this person keeps everyone laughing, no one will cry – right? However, many times the humor prevents healing in the family. Instead of facing the problem, the laughter distracts from it.
The lost child: This child doesn’t say much, just keeps to himself. He might like to watch TV, play video games, or stay in his room. He is overlooked because he is so quiet. But he is observing more than you know.

Can you see these roles in your family? It is time to break the cycle. For yourself and your children – let them know what it is really like to be a kid! There is hope for alcoholic families. I have mentioned Al-Anon before, there is also Alateen for teenagers.

There are many books on the market that help you break free from codependency roles. Reading a chapter before bed can help put positive thought in your hear and in turn, help you start the next day with a new perspective.

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Alcoholic Families – Part 1

Alcoholism has been called the ‘Family Disease’ because it affects everyone in the family to some extent. In many families, all the members have become enablers. By refusing to admit there is a problem in their family, they are all allowing the destructive behavior to continue.

Families of alcoholics are always on guard because they never know what the drinkers behavior will be from one moment to the next. Children do not invite friends over, spouses make excuses for not attending social functions, etc.

Perhaps a scenario like this has played out in your home:

It is one of the kids birthdays and you are having a family dinner. You are on edge because family functions are a trigger for alcohol abuse and none of your guests are aware of the problem. Your kids are are acting silly – partly because of the excitement of the party, and partly to release anxiety about other people seeing dad drunk. About 5 minutes before the guests arrive, one of the kids says something innocent that upsets your spouse. You try to calm them down, but in doing so you tell your spouse that the comment wasn’t worth getting upset about. Wrong thing to say, now your spouse accuses you of not supporting him and always siding with the kids. He threatens to leave and not attend the party unless you take your words back.

What would you do? On one hand – you really should stand your ground. After all, it was a silly thing to get upset about. But on the other hand, if he leaves how will you explain his absence to your guests. What will people think, what rumors will start if he isn’t there?

A codependent family would rally around to make it better and give the alcoholic what he wants – just to keep the peace. The party would go on as planned, but there is an underlying tension that no one can quite figure out.

A family who has overcome codependent behaviors would have let the alcoholic leave. This is how he chose to react and who is he really hurting? Himself – he is missing out on a family experience because he chose to be selfish. You do not have to make excuses for him to your guests. Let it go.

Life is to important to get worked up about addiction drama – find happiness with your family with or without the alcoholic.

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Al-Anon – A Place of Hope

Just like Alcoholics Anonymous has helped millions of alcoholics, Al-Anon is there for the family. The spouse who is struggling with codependency will find hope and healing at Al-Anon.

Going to Al-Anon for the first time might seem a little strange if you don’t know what to expect. Al-Anon is not a gripe session – it is a healing session. You are not there to vent about the alcoholic you live with, you are there to begin healing. At an Al-Anon meeting you will find others that share your frustrations and trials, because they have lived them too. Maybe not your exact story, but one that is very similar.

Members of Al-Anon share their experiences and their hope. You will find members who have found happiness in spite of the alcoholism in their life – even if the loved one is still drinking. These members recognize the value of support and are there to help those who still struggle.

Al-Anon is a place for hope and healing for people struggling with codependency. You will not be judged – you will be accepted. You will not be blamed – you will be supported. You can find local meetings by searching for Al-Anon on the internet.

Like Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon is based upon the Twelve Steps. Working through the Twelve Steps can help you see areas of your life that can be improved. You will also learn to separate yourself from alcohol by admitting that you are powerless over alcohol.

You are powerless over alcohol! You are not the one making the choice to drink. It is not your choice to make, the alcoholic is responsible for his or her’s own actions. You will come so far to overcoming codependency if you will admit that you are powerless over the alcoholics actions – and then really believe it!

Al-Anon is a wonderful organization that is helping millions of people all over the world. No matter where you travel, you will likely find an Al-Anon meeting you can attend. Al-Anon can and will help you overcome codependency!

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Do You Have Emotional Dependency?

People who are codependent have a belief system that is linked to how they relate to someone else. Usually that someone else is an alcoholic or drug addict. Codependents identify their life and well being to how things are going for the alcoholic. They believe that what they are doing is what is best. But doing what they think is best for the alcoholic/addict, could destroy themselves.

Here is a small list of behaviors/beliefs that define a codependent person. There are so many behaviors that this list could go on and on. But look at it – can you see yourself in any of these behaviors?

I feel good about myself when I am with or belong to someone
I focus my attention on pleasing others
‘Helping’ others fix their problems boosts my self esteem
If someone close to me is having struggles, it affects my peace of mind
I am aware of how those around me feel, but I don’t know how I feel
Relieving someone’s pain boosts my self esteem
Getting approval from others makes me feel good
I seldom give myself approval for doing a good job
I fear rejection and it affects what I say or do
I believe my hopes and dreams are linked to other people in my life
Other people’s opinions are more important than mine
I will put my values aside to gain approval
My happiness is directly related to the happiness of those around me
I focus on protecting others – both from their own actions and the actions of others
Other people’s interests and hobbies are more important than my own
I try to manipulate others to do things my way (although I may not be aware I am doing this)
When I am in a relationships, my association with friends diminishes
Fear of anger motivates me. I give more of myself to feel safe

If you can see yourself in one or more of these statements, you have codependent traits. You need to change your belief system and convince yourself you are a person of worth. You cannot count on the alcoholic/addict in your life to wake up and realize what a wonderful person you are – although we all hope for that!

Start today – make yourself a sign and post it where you will see it every day. Write something positive about yourself or an inspirational quote. If nothing else write – ‘I am a person of worth!’. Break free from the beliefs of codependency now.

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