Relationships

A Special Christmas Letter From Dad

A Special Christmas Letter from Dad to our whole family

When I received the usual Christmas note this year from Betty, my daughter-in-law, about how “perfect” everything was for their family this past year, and about how nice it was to have a loving family like ours, I had a little tingling at the back of my neck. As I thought and prayed about that tingling, I finally identified the source. I had to ask myself this question; is there a widespread denial system in place in our family about addiction? In other words, are we all “sweeping under the rug” what has become commonly known but not spoken since the latest tragic death we have all experienced due to addiction?

The simple truth is that only a year ago we all came together to attend the funeral and mourn the death of John, our oldest son, and Betty’s brother-in-law, from addiction. That reminded us all that we have people in our family who have problems with drugs, alcohol, depression, ADD, eating disorders, nicotine, etc. It also reminded us that addiction can lead to death! Now Carol and I recently learned that now John’s younger brother, Tim, Betty’s husband, is admitting that his doctor is telling him that his liver is showing signs of alcoholic liver disease. We were told that Tim tried so hard to do what his doctor told him to do. He drank gallons of water every day in an attempt to clear his liver of the poisons, and he even cut back on his drinking! Now with his doctor reporting some improvement, I can tell you, as a recovering alcoholic myself with over twenty years of sobriety, that Tim interpreted that news as “…I am cured, and now I can return to normal drinking”(whatever that is).

Drugs and alcohol have gotten most of my attention during the past twenty years because I have had to work so hard to overcome my own addictions through the 12-Step Programs. Yes, I suffered from ADD as a child back in the days when kids who had trouble focusing were just called lazy. But so much has been learned since those days, and if we really do love each other as much as we say we do in this family, shouldn’t we each arm ourselves with as much information as possible about any disease that is harming us?

So how do we help Tim? How do we stop Tim from destroying himself and breaking all of our hearts…again? The tragic truth is this; we can’t! I have learned the hard way that there is no human power that can stop an alcoholic from taking the next drink. Tim has wondered out loud to me if he can quit, so how on earth could one of us imagine that we could somehow make him quit? Tim is in the grip of a disease that creates a powerful mental and emotional compulsion to drink alcohol. That compulsion renders him incapable of asking for help. And yet, until he does just that, nothing can be done for him!

This brings us squarely to the question; what can we do? First, we can take care to take care of ourselves. This is a family disease and we each have a piece in it. We can seek help from others who have “been there” through community support groups like AA, Nar-A-Non and Al-Anon. I am leading our family by example, and have learned so much by getting out of Tim’s way. I learned this after about two years of attending a men’s Al-Anon meeting in our community. I know now that I must allow Tim the dignity of making his own decisions. By learning and growing ourselves we never harm another person. By learning through a program like A-Anon to detach with love we can give Tim a fighting chance to reach his own bottom and then reach out for help. Tim needs a family that is recovering along side him as they cheer him…not a bunch of deniers who continue enabling him while keeping those fake painted smiles on their faces. We need people who give thanks to God every morning that we are still alive, who are big enough to say “but for the grace of God there go I!”

Here are some skills to develop that may help you. These are the combined experience of millions like us who have had to cope with addiction problems in their families.

Do’s.

Do learn the facts about alcoholism.
Do talk to someone who understands alcoholism.
Do go to Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, or an alcoholism center.
Do develop an attitude to match the facts.
D take a personal inventory of yourself.
Do maintain a healthy emotional atmosphere in your home.
Do encourage new activities.

Don’ts

Don’t preach or lecture.
Don’t argue with a drunk alcoholic.
Don’t have a “holier than thou” attitude.
Don’t use the “if you loved me” appeal.
Don’t make threats you won’t carry out.
Don’t hide liquor or pour it out.
Don’t resent the method of recovery
Don’t expect immediate contented sobriety.
Don’t try to protect an alcoholic against alcohol.
Don’t be discouraged by the mistakes you make.

You may change to word alcohol to drug of choice wherever you wish.

A parent never knows how a child will finally come out. When I took my own careful inventory as part of my recovery process I had to look at the example I set for my children. I taught them that alcohol relieved perceived stress. I made alcohol the center of all family get-togethers. I demonstrated that we could not enjoy a meal out or a party without alcohol present. That is how I was taught, and I just passed it along to the next generation.

My Dad had terrible depression bouts. He would get so hateful that nobody could stand him. He was never totally incapacitated by his disease, but his moods swings had a great deal to do with all of our fears and inability to cope with reality. Don’t get me wrong. I do not blame my Dad for my own derelictions, but I am aware of how far back this disease goes in our family. The insanity that I am trying to stop with this letter is this; we just keep doing the same things generation after generation while hoping that somehow we will get a different result.

Society accepts now that ADD is cause by a mental/chemical imbalance, and some day it is likely to learn the same about alcoholism. People are getting help now for their ADD. Young people throughout our family with ADD are being treated with drugs that help them, and those accepting treatment are becoming excellent students. Until we can do the same with addiction, shouldn’t we do everything we can during this generation to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem?

I am through with living in shame for our family warts. I am tired of sweeping these things under the rug as we continue in lock step to destruction. For this year, and for the coming years, let’s stop hiding our deficiencies. Let’s celebrate that we can now identify them…that we can hold them up to the light and start to correct them! Let’s ask God in unison to give us the strength to deal honestly with each other, and to seek help when we need it. We have another member of our family who needs help in 2008, but is not capable of asking for it. Let’s not allow another tragedy to happen to another loved-one because we all failed to see the problem while failing to support the solution.
I love all of you, with my whole heart and soul. I am proud of each of you. You are completely acceptable to me, and to my God, just as you are, but we can all get well. Why don’t we get well together…as the family that we are?

Dad.

Men Living with Addicted People

Author’s qualifications

Ken P.

Ken P. was raised in poverty among what would in AA terminology be referred to as “low-bottom drunks.” Neither of his parents drank, but both were children of alcoholic mothers, and both had long histories of alcohol addiction in past generations. After watching two uncles die of acute alcoholism only a half of a block from his childhood home drinking on the same couch, he was married for 19 years to a woman who became a practicing alcoholic.

He is a singular man in that he has been active in the Al-Anon recovery program for 30 years, a program usually attended by women. Ken started attending meetings when men in Al-Anon were extremely rare. In 1976 he was one of only a few male Al-Anons in all of Houston. During three decades he has attended two to three meetings per week, led meetings, sponsored many men, spoken at major Al-Anon and AA conferences, and served as chairman of the board of directors for the Al-Anon Intergroup office, which serves over 200 weekly meetings in the Houston area.

Ken earned a BA degree in biology during the sixties in San Francisco from San Francisco State College. He performed menial labor for five years, working nights, weekends, and summers to pay his own way through college while supporting a young family.

Upon graduation, Ken entered the pharmaceutical industry as a sales representative, was moved to Texas and made responsible for sales to hospitals affiliated with medical schools, and then managed representatives responsible for sales in medical centers throughout the south. He was in the first class of hospital representatives selected for special training to set up and monitor drug studies. He successfully retired at the age of 54.

Friends and family describe Ken as a high energy, focused man who throughout his lifetime has excelled at tackling major projects that require years of dedication and successfully completing them.

Recently, Ken has dedicated himself to his 12-step program, and to tutoring students in the SAT, ACT, biology, higher math, and French. He began writing about the recovery process for men with addicted family members in June of 2006, and was soon joined by Scott B. and Bob T. The three men realized that, with their experiences in the corporate world, plus their exceptional levels of mutual trust developed after years of working the program together, they had a unique mix. Also, similar backgrounds with addicted family members were there, but one had survived an addicted wife, one an addicted mother, and another an addicted daughter. Each could therefore approach the subject of addiction from a totally separate viewpoint. The collaboration that began soon netted publication of the article titled “Are you Living with an Addicted Person?” in the July 1, 2007 issue of Going Bonkers Magazine. For Ken personally, publication of the book represents the chance to help the families of addicts on an even broader scale, which he is convinced is one of the most important purposes for his life.

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Do I Love an Addict?

So in these two blogs I am trying to paint the picture of what addiction might look like if it shows up in your life. And I have made the point that it can look a whole lot of different ways, and most of them are not the stereotypical way that we ‘think’ addiction looks. And this, my friends is what will get you in trouble.

One of my readers recently made the point that addictions, all addictions, are enough to drive a sane person quite nearly mad. One of the things that causes this is the atmosphere of lies. This is especially true when you are not expecting it- or when the person you love does not look addicted, and is not naturally a lying kind of person. When you meet with these lies, and incongruities, you begin to question your very sanity. Now sometimes the addict literally does not remember what you remember because he or she was high or drunk at the time- but she will try to cover up her doubt and place the blame on you. In my personal experience, my husband Dave could tell me the sky was green. But he did it with such believability, such assurance, and such ease that you might soon find me looking at the sky thinking “By golly, that sky may just be green today”.

One recurring trait of an alcoholic is a self assurance that literally repels doubt. As time goes on this self assurance often becomes arrogance, and a common AA term is that alcoholics are actually egomaniacs with an inferiority complex. My husband epitomized this saying. He was always 100% sure that he was right in all things. But if you knew him really well you could see, there was not a lot of self-love there. Now on the flip side we who love addicts tend to have equally low self-esteem. Life experience has generally created us to be malleable, tending to doubt ourselves, and more than willing to put our faith in someone else. This was generally how it was with Dave and I, so when he said his own version of ‘the sky is green’ my first thought as I looked up was always and inevitably “I must be crazy.” So if you find yourself in a relationship that looks like these two polar opposites co-existing in doubt (We’ll call them the self-centered and the selfless)-and if it seems like insane things are being said, argued, and justified- and if you question your own sanity inside of all of this. You may be living in an addictive relationship. In Alanon it is said that we, the spouses of alcoholics, are addicted to ‘mind altering, mood-changing men’… or women.

So addicts lie, or they simply don’t remember what they said in some alcoholic or drug induced blackout. But they are supremely adept at making others think that they are the crazy ones. Addicts will also cheat, steal, threaten, intimidate, dominate and even use physical force. But when they have pushed you to their limit, they will throw out the hook and bait that will reel you back in. Now keep in mind when I say addicts, I am speaking of the sickness of addiction, and not of the native nature of the human being under the drug. This nature is generally good, and often supremely so- but when 10 trillion cells are addicted, the good person you love does not show up very often.

But at any rate there is a high level of manipulation in addiction- and addicts will use every trick in the book to get you to stay when you are ready to leave. There will be sweet words, gifts, tears, loving gestures, remonstrances, and any other means to tug at your heart strings. And all of these are quite believable, and most likely heart-felt by the addict- who truly does love us, I believe. So whenever I was near a breaking point, the tenderness that came out of my ex-husband was palpable. So another sign of an addiction being present is that you may see a pattern of arguments and upsets that come to a near desperate breaking point. And they may be followed by loving sweetness that you almost can’t resist. Most addicts are not fully grown up, and most people who love them are quintessential caretakers. So with Dave and I the little boy or that I loved to take care of would also come to the forefront at this point of desperation, and I would always succumb.

There are other signs of addiction. I believe I spoke of addicts hiding their stash as it becomes a problem. At this point the craziness really begins. Dave used to swear he was not drinking. In those days I was beginning to see the signs- but there was no alcohol anywhere. Again I was thinking ‘I must be crazy.’ Until one day I went into the far corners of the garage and found 2 months worth of old bottles hidden under some tarp, and the junked up old college-sized refrigerator was being used for the fresh, cold supply of beer. Drug addicts will hide their pot, and put their prescription drugs into vitamin bottles, sex addicts will hide their porno-magazines and videos, gamblers will hide the house bills so you won’t know they are not being paid.

Addicts will go to all extremes to be sure no-one sees the amount of drugs, alcohol, or sex they are consuming. Dave used to drive 2 towns over to get his alcohol, and he would vary his suppliers. This is another sure sign of a problem. He didn’t even want the store owners to know how much he drank! Another thing he did was to only bring out half of his recycling. He wanted the can only half full so the garbage man would not know how much he drank! Now I never understood why he did this at the time. He didn’t tell me until years later. But it is something to look for. Is your loved one doing weird, inexplicable things around his drinking, drugs, or addictive behavior. If he is, then he knows he has a problem and is trying to cover it up.

And if he knows there’s a problem, then there’s a real problem. Because we loved ones, living in the confusion, the lies, the manipulation, and our own low self-esteems- are often the last to know. And if you think there may be addiction, but you can’t find the source, that doesn’t mean it’s not there. It just means that you can’t find it. And if you ever do find a stash hidden somewhere, you can be sure, there’s addiction at play.

But the biggest sign, and I do mean the biggest sign, bar none, of loving someone with an addiction is your own state of mind and behavior. It is a little known fact that

people who love addicts often act crazier than the addicts themselves. We are driven to the brink of insanity by the lies, manipulation, the questioning of self, and the constant play on our emotions. I remember one time with Dave getting into an argument over a submarine sandwich. This was the insanity of our lives. We could argue for an hour or more over a sandwich. So we were driving on the highway and I took the sandwich and flung it out the window, bag, napkin and all. Another time I nearly got out of a moving car myself. Another time I flung my engagement ring into the tall weeds, and once a patio chair went flying across the porch. All of this happened at my hands and I wasn’t even the drinker!

There were other crazy things I found myself doing. Jagged hour-long crying attacks on the bathroom floor, hiding in the shrubbery of my house for half an hour to get away from him, a panicked pacing of the floor for hours when he did not show up, locking myself in the bathroom with the shower running to drown him out. Fortunately my ex was a home-drinker, or you might also have seen me scouring the bars to find him. I did however contemplate the feasibility of veering the car into the guardrails, and I wondered how I could do that and not harm anyone else.

So your crazy behavior that is simply not how you know yourself to be, is the single biggest clue that you may have someone else’s addiction on your hands. And if you think you’re crazy, the question is, who or what is driving the car that got you there?

It’s probably some kind of addiction that has the wheel of that car, and the car is aimed straight for that guardrail- whether you know it or not.

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Clingy Girlfriend Or Wife? 13 Signs of an Unhealthy Or Codependent Relationship

The image of the demanding woman being in control of the relationship is one that is popular and sometimes even comical in TV in film.  Just look at the popular American sitcom Everyone Loves Raymond: Raymond is always at risk of getting into trouble with his wife.  However, sometimes being stuck in a relationship with a dramatic, demanding, clingy woman can be anything but funny.

The following signs indicate that you may be in an unhealthy codependent relationship with your partner:

  • You must let her know where you are at all times.
  • You have to call multiple times a day.
  • You aren’t allowed to have platonic female friends.
  • She resents your family for taking up your time.
  • You’ve discovered that she secretly checks your email, internet history, or social networking sites (Facebook, MySpace, etc.).
  • She is extremely jealous.
  • She can’t just let things go.
  • She insists on talking about “problems” for hours.
  • She always suspects you of cheating or doing something wrong, even if you’ve done nothing.
  • She’s overly critical of how you act You feel as if you have to “walk on eggshells” around her.
  • Your friends warn you that you should not be tolerating her clingy, controlling behavior.
  • You can’t speak your opinion because she always “freaks out” when you disagree.
  • When you try to break up, she threatens to harm herself.

When you feel stuck in such a relationship, you might have opposing feelings: On one hand you love your partner and want to please her; on the other hand, you may have a nagging sense that you never wanted this life.  You may feel that your partner stands in the way of you living a fulfilling life.

It’s your obligation to closely examine your situation.  Many people wish to leave their partners because they blame them for everything; when they finally leave, they realize that it wasn’t only their partner that was causing the disruption, but their own issues as well.

That said, many men would be much better off by gathering the courage to leave a clingy, demanding, codependent partner (by the way, codependence always involves two people, but here I’m using it to describe a woman who is overly dependent on her man).  Though leaving may seem impossible at times, you can do it, regardless of your circumstances.

 

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Signs Of Alcoholism That Will Destroy Your Life And Family

Being able to recognize the signs of alcoholism as early as possible is extremely important especially when you think that your loved one might have an alcohol problem. The person can be very skillful at hiding their drinking at first, but alcoholism will interfere with the rest of their life and eventually destroy your family.

Living with an alcoholic will slam your life on its head, so begin looking for the following signs of alcoholism and take action now.

#1: Drinking interferes with work, friendships, hobbies or other aspects of their life.

The person may skip going to school, work, meetings or events and declare they were unwell so the family does not realize that alcohol is the cause of their absence. As the alcoholism advances the interferences become more difficult to hide or deny.

For example, it can begin with missing a day of work here and there and end up with showing up at work drunk or getting fired for alcohol related reasons.

#2: The person loses interest in things that kept them social and happy.

One of the sure signs of alcoholism is the person withdrawing. They may have enjoyed playing baseball previously but suddenly stop attending games and drop out of their team. This is often due to the alcoholic spending more and more time thinking about drinking and getting drunk to the point where it becomes a priority and replaces any other interests.

#3: They burst out or become angry every time you attempt to speak with them about their drinking.

This is one of the first signs of alcoholism that brings the attention of the family members to the presence of alcohol abuse addiction. A generic comment or question about the alcoholic’s drinking patterns can receive an overreacted, uncharacteristic response as they start yelling or lose control.

Alcoholics become very defensive and do whatever they can to hide their drinking and discourage family from discussing the issues with them or becoming involved in any way.

#4: They seem incapable or unwilling to stop regardless of the consequences.

Another of the many signs of alcoholism is when an alcoholic loses everything they loved and still continue drinking as if they do not realize what they have done, or simply do not care. Many alcoholics can get fired from their jobs, isolate themselves from all of their friends, and even cause their spouse and children to leave them.

For some, being left by a spouse or being told by a court that they are an unfit parent can be the catalyst to change. For others, the disease can consume them and they continue drinking unless an alternate alcoholic intervention occurs.

Living with an alcoholic is a struggle and most people have no idea how to deal with the situation. Family members end up with no self confidence from being degraded by the alcoholic and eventually isolate themselves from their friends as they try to cover up the alcohol problem at home.

The emotional impact of living with an alcoholic can be felt for a lifetime, especially in the children of alcoholics.

If you witnessed any of these signs of alcoholism then you must act immediately in order to protect your family from living with an alcoholic later on. You must find out the other signs of alcoholism, learn about alcohol abuse addiction and discover the pit falls that many people get into so that you can avoid them. Doing nothing now may result in you becoming one of the heartbreaking statistics.

If left undetected the signs of alcoholism will develop into a full scale alcoholism. Consequently, living with an alcoholic will destroy your family. Whether the person in your home is just showing signs of alcoholism or you already are living with an alcoholic, keep gathering information to help you deal with the situation.

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Are You Codependent?

Do you wonder if you are Codependent? Do you regularly sacrifice your opinions, needs or wants, and then feel resentful? Do you feel guilty saying no and resentful when you don’t? Are you controlled by, or try to control someone else, whom your thoughts and feelings revolve around, as in the Barry Manilow song, “I’m glad when you’re glad, sad when you’re sad?” Are you afraid of speaking up? Resentment, guilt, control, and fear are the hallmarks of codependency, a term once used only to describe the enabler of an alcoholic is now more generally applied to unhealthy dependency.

Melody Beattie in Codependent No More, describes a codependent as: “A person who has let someone else’s behavior affect him or her and is obsessed with controlling other people’s behavior.” John Bradshaw, author of Healing the Shame that Binds You, says, “Internalized shame is the core of codependency.” Expert and author of numerous books, Earnie Larsen defines it as: “Self-defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that result in diminished capacity to initiate, or participate in, loving relationships.” In Facing Codependence, Pia Melody writes, “Two key areas of a person’s life reflect codependence: the relationship with the self and relationship with others.”

The seeds of codependence are in childhood, when a child has no choice but to accommodate a parent who is controlling, selfish, depressed, addicted, or abusive. Such children don’t get the sense that their wants or needs matter. The family may be one of addiction or neglect, where children take on parental responsibilities and lose touch with themselves in the process. On the other hand, a family may seem perfect. The parents give their children the best of everything, but they expect perfection or adhere to rigid rules and beliefs, leaving no room for individuality and self-expression to flourish.

Codependents usually do all the giving in relationships. Caring and helping others is fine, but if it’s at the expense of oneself, or if you don’t believe you have a choice – that it would be selfish not to or you’d risk losing the relationship – then care taking is not just a behavior, it’s an identity and source of self-worth. Alice has a big heart and a string of failed relationships. When she likes a man, she gives more than she gets. She helps her them with whatever their problem is. The men take her for granted or feel smothered, and eventually leave.

Codependents learn in childhood to attune to the needs and moods of a parent, so much so that they usually don’t know what they want or need. Others’ needs, desires, and definition of reality take precedence over their own. Sometimes, they don’t even know what they think or feel and have difficulty describing themselves. When asked, they shift to talking about family members or their job.

A codependent conversation sounds like this:

Him: “Where would you like to eat?”

Her: “What do you feel like?”

Him: “Whatever you want.”

Her: “Do you feel like Chinese?”

Him: “Do you? Would you like Italian?”

You get the picture. Neither person will assert a position. No one will take responsibility for a choice. Maybe, one doesn’t want to dine out and rather watch a TV show, but doesn’t want to disappoint the other, or is ashamed to admit they can’t afford it. Other times, neither knows what he or she wants. Sometimes, an argument starts. It’s impossible to problem-solve or compromise if you don’t take a position. Issues and feelings are avoided, problems don’t get resolved, and resentment builds.

Codependents frequently become obsessed with another person. Their thoughts, motives, and actions begin to revolve around someone else instead of their own feelings and goals. Cindy was preoccupied with Nick’s health. She oversaw his diet, managed the marketing, and gave him nutrition articles, oblivious to her own health problems.

Codependents may try to control others’ feelings and reactions with gifts or flattery, like “buttering up” to be loved, to get what they want, or to keep the peace. They give with an expectation, and when it’s not fulfilled, they are not only hurt, but also resentful and feel owed. Healthy giving is for the pure joy of it. Because their boundaries weren’t respected as children, codependents don’t set functional limits with themselves and others. They may be overly invested in someone else’s problem or work long hours on the job to the detriment of their family or themselves. They never say no. They may have been taught that it’s selfish or “un-Christian” to assert their will, and don’t notice that someone else doesn’t mind using up their time and resources.

Jane was an accomplished landscape designer, but underbid her projects and spent many uncompensated hours with customers who gabbed away or changed their minds. She was always running behind, and resented that she felt constantly pulled by her customers’ demands. To her, charging more and setting boundaries was unthinkable.

In an organization, a codependent works harder for less and may be the “go to” person who’ll take the unwanted assignments. Another may be a martyr at home, never asking for help and never heeding her own needs for rest and rejuvenation. Both get satisfaction in being needed and relied upon, but eventually at a price. These women believe they won’t be valued if they don’t do extra work. Underneath they fear losing a client, job, or relationship.

Sometimes, one partner appears more needy and dependent, because he or she is possessive, jealous, calls frequently, or constantly seeks reassurance and attention. However, the other partner is also codependent by allowing him or herself to be controlled by these unreasonable demands.

Low-self esteem is characteristic of codependence. Childhood experiences and messages imprint feelings of being unlovable or unworthy. Codependents are hard on themselves. They push and judge themselves, and often are high-achievers and perfectionists. This sets them up to be in an abusive relationship or one where their needs are not met. They’ll tolerate it even despite being attractive, smart, or successful at work, because underneath they believe they don’t deserve better.

The first step in change is awareness. Joining a group or 12-Step Program, such as Al-Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics, is effective, because it’s important to share, get feedback, and hear others’ struggles and successes. Therapy or an assertiveness class can help you to identify your needs and, feelings, and to try out new behavior. It’s hard to change on your own, because it’s difficult to see outside your own mindset, and you’ll need the support when risking new behaviors that create guilt and anxiety. The risks are worth it. You’re worth it. Take back yourself!

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You are the Responsible One When You Live with an Alcoholic

You are the Responsible One When You Live with an Alcoholic

When you live with an alcoholic, you not only feel alone, but most of the time you really are when it comes to chores and the kids. You are the only adult in the home it feels like most of the time. You will not be able to rest until all the work around the house is done and if you want to go somewhere, you will take the kids with you because the other parent will not be able to care for them while he or she is drinking. You might even have to have a job on top of everything lese.

You will have to make sure the bills are paid on time. You will also need to make sure that the family has enough money for everything after the alcohol is bought out of the family budget. You may have to get a job just to survive and pay the bills. This could be the hardest thing you have to do in your life, especially if you thought that your spouse or partner was going to take care of the work and you wee going to take care of the house and the family. Things change when the alcohol consumes one of the partners.

You will usually have to clean and take out the garbage. This is just because it will at least get done the right way. He or she may want to do dishes, but when you try to do something when you are drunk, it usually backfires. Dirty dishes in the cupboards that are said to be clean can be disturbing. Taking out the garbage can also be a challenge and if you want everything to be taken out, then you will probably have to do it yourself. You can plan on doing almost everything around the house including cleaning up messes that he or she may make.

The person may not want supper when you do, so you will have to make sure that there is enough food leftover for them. This is something that can cause arguments. If dinner is not just right, it can trigger an argument. You will never win, so you always do what is asked of you, even if it means making something new. This can get old fast and make you wish that you were the one drinking. Just do not ever give up hope.

You will have to secretly keep a hold on the money and know where it is going. An alcoholic in you life means that money is going to be tight because they will always have money for alcohol, but may not have enough for anything else. If you want to keep your home and have things for the family including food, you need to take control of the money. Even if they say no, you must find a way to do it.

The kids will be your responsibility and you will need to keep them in line by yourself. You can pretty much figure that anything that requires the attention of a parent is going to be your responsibility. In some cases, you will even hear that you were the one that had kids. It can be hard on the kids just as much as it is on you. Kids need both parents for support and most of the time, they do not have this when one parent is an alcoholic. Living with an alcoholic can be challenging and devastating to kids and to you.

 

How to detach from an alcoholic spouse. How to live with an alcoholic and keep your sanity in the process. This is part 2 of this video. Stay tuned for next video: “How a loved one can Help an Alcoholic Get Sober”

More Living With An Alcoholic Spouse Articles

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Support With Codependency

Codependency is a behavior pattern in which a person tends to form unhealthy relationships. People who engage in codependent behavior almost always appear to place the needs and desires of other people before their own. These other people often have an addiction or mental health problems that the codependent person tries to ignore or avoid.

Initially, experts used the term “codependency” to describe spouses, parents, siblings and others with close relationships to people addicted to drugs and alcohol. Today, the term “codependency” has been used to describe any relationship that is one-sided and/or emotionally abusive. In codependent relationships, at least one person tends to feel fear, anger, pain or shame. People in codependent relationships ignore or deny these feelings.

Good luck!

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Are All Your Relationships Codependent?

One of the greatest benefits of having close friendships is that our friends can support and help us when things get rough in our lives. In exchange for the support our friends give us during a crisis, most of us also help our friends when they need it.In a relationship between two emotionally healthy adults, the roles of giving and receiving help are balanced. Both people offer help and receive help from each other in approximately equal amounts.

However, there are some people who always take on the role of being the helper, no matter what relationship they are in. These people have friendships that focus exclusively on trying to solve the problems of their friends. We sometimes call this quality “co-dependency”, and we may label people who are obsessed with helping others “co-dependent”.

A person who is co-dependent will tend to have relationships with people who have a lot of problems – emotional, social, familial and financial. The co-dependent person may spend much of their own time, money, and energy helping other people who have problems, while ignoring the problems in their own life.

Why would somebody be co-dependent?

A person who is co-dependent often suffers from a deep sense of worthlessness and anxiety, and tries to derive a sense of self-worth by helping or rescuing others. A person who is co-dependent may not know how to relax and feel comfortable in a friendship where both people are equals and the relationship is based on enjoying each others company.

Co-dependent people may even feel anxious if someone they have been helping gets their life in order and no longer wants their help. The co-dependent person may immediately look around for someone else they can “save”. If you frequently take on the role of helping the people who are your friends, how can you tell if you are acting out of genuine kindness and concern, or whether your behavior is in fact co-dependency? There aren’t really any hard and fast lines between the two.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to see whether your “helping” behavior may actually be co-dependency:

  • Do you have a hard time saying no to others, even when you are very busy, financially broke, or completely exhausted?
  • Are you always sacrificing your own needs for everyone else?
  • Do you feel more worthy as a human being because you have taken on a helping role?
  • If you stopped helping your friends, would you feel guilty or worthless?
  • Would you know how to be in a friendship that doesn’t revolve around you being the “helper”?
  • If your friends eventually didn’t need your help, would you still be friends with them? Or would you look around for someone else to help?
  • Do you feel resentful when others are not grateful enough to you for your efforts at rescuing them or fixing their lives?
  • Do you sometimes feel like more of a social worker than a friend in your relationships?
  • Do you feel uncomfortable receiving help from other people? Is the role of helping others a much more natural role for you to play in your relationships?
  • Does it seem as if many of your friends have particularly chaotic lives, with one crisis after another?
  • Did you grow up in a family that had a lot of emotional chaos or addiction problems?
  • Are many of your friends addicts, or do they have serious emotional and social problems?
  • As you were growing up, did you think it was up to you to keep the family functioning?
  • As an adult, is it important for you to be thought of as the “dependable one”?

If you answered “yes” to a lot of these questions, you may indeed have a problem with co-dependency. This does not mean that you are a flawed person. It means that you are spending a lot of energy on other people and very little on yourself.If it seems that a lot of your friendships are based on co-dependent rescuing behaviors, rather than on mutual liking and respect between equals, you may wish to step back and rethink your role in relationships.

If you suspect that your helping behavior is a form of co-dependency, a good therapist or counselor can help you gain perspective on your actions and learn a more balanced way of relating to others.

There are many excellent books available on the subject of co-dependency. Support groups such as Al-Anon can also help.

Posted to: Codependency, Relationships Comments Off
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