Codependent Support

Al-Anon: A Place of Comfort

Living with an alcoholic is frustrating. You can feel very alone and abandoned.  Where can you turn? You need somewhere to go where you will be understood – where others have felt your pain.  Al-Anon is that place.

Members of Al-Anon have or are currently living the life you are.  They understand the fear, shame, and anxiety you feel.  They have been through all the stages – the fear, guilt, anger, etc.  They too have felt like a victim.

But Al-Anon offers comfort to those who come to the meetings.  By working the 12 steps you will learn to look within yourself to find healing.  Learn to overcome your codependent beliefs and learn to love yourself.

Just like in Alcoholics Anonymous, you will get a sponsor.  Someone you can call anytime you find yourself needing someone to talk to.  Al-Anon is people helping people at it’s finest.  Once you learn to overcome using the 12 steps, you want to help others.  You are obligated to help others – that is one of the steps, to help others along the way.

Al-Anon is about learning about yourself and how to change the way you react to what is going on in your life.  It is not a place to complain about the alcoholic/addict in your life – it is a place to rediscover you.  In a alcoholic relationship, healing begins with you.

Through Al-Anon you will realize that you are powerless over alcohol (and the alcoholic). You cannot make their choices for them, but you can choose how you react.  You will learn the tools you need to handle situations and you will become stronger.  Your life will take on new meaning and you will see the beauty around you once again.

For many people, going to Al-Anon is the first step to recovery of the alcoholic/addict in their life.  I will not promise that they will recover, but seeing you in a better place can have a positive effect.  Let Al-Anon become your place of comfort.

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Alcoholic Families – Part 3

Family members think they are doing the right thing when they play the roles in an alcoholic family. They cannot see that what the are really doing is enabling the alcoholic to continue with his current behavior. So, while the family thinks they are helping, they are really hurting the situation.

As I stated in my previous post, family members revolve around the alcoholic, tending to every need.  Never really giving a thought to their own needs or even realizing that this way of life is not normal.  Some of the behaviors that the family has learned are:

  • Watch what you say. Your words can either trigger an angry rage, or come back at you when the alcoholic is drunk. It is easier to stick to very simple communication.
  • Clean up. Take care of the messes the alcoholic might make. After all, someone might show up at the door and we don’t want them to know!
  • Always let the alcoholic have his way. If you cooked chicken for dinner and he says he wanted steak. What do you do? Cook him a steak!
  • Make excuses. Even kids learn how to make excuses for their alcoholic parent. “Why didn’t your dad pick you up after the dance?” “His car broke down.”

All of these characteristics are learned behaviors. They have been learned so we can cope and try to function in a dysfunctional family.

What is sad is when one person tries to break free from the codependent behavior, there is always someone else in the family to take over.

  • Martha had been reading books about codependency.  She was working on overcoming her codependent beliefs and was trying not to enable her alcoholic husband.  One evening, she had plans to go to dinner with some friends.  When she was getting ready, she heard a thud.  When she went to investigate, she found her husband passed out on the floor.  He made the choice to drink, so he would have to deal with the consequences.  So she left him there.  While she was out, her son came home from college.  He found dad on the floor – so he helped him to the couch and made him comfortable. He then called dads work and made an excuse for his absence. Then he cleaned the vomit off the floor.  Although he thought he was doing the right thing, he really just filling in as the caretaker since Martha had decided not to be codependent anymore.

It is important for all family members to learn to overcome codependency so the cycle doesn’t continue. Family counseling and family support groups are very beneficial for alcoholic families. Let the healing begin!

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Do You Fear Alcohol Addiction Recovery?

This is a tough question – Do you fear the recovery of your addict?  Of course you want the alcoholic/addict in your life to get better.  Life would be better if they were in recovery – right? But wait, how does recover affect me? Who will I take care of? How will their recovery change my identity? Think hard and answer the question again – do you fear the recovery of your addict?

Many people who are codependent identify themselves with the alcoholic/addict.  They are the caretaker, the worrier, the fixer, etc.  Though they may not realize it, they could be subconsiously preventing the recovery of their loved one.  They are unknowingly preventing it out of fear.  “What will happen to me if they get better?”  “They won’t need me anymore.”

The disease of alcoholism and drug addiction is known as a family disease – because it affects everyone close to the individual.  Living with an alcoholic or addict and their erratic behaviors takes it toll on every one around. Friends, coworkers, friends, and most of all family, are all affected in some way.  If the destructive behavior of alcoholic/codependent has gone on for years, it is the relationship that they both identify with. It is a sick circle that continues round and round until someone breaks free.  Usually that someone is the codependent person.

Often the alcoholic/addict only recognizes their problem when their loved ones break free from the cycle of codependent behavior.  The relationship is different and the alcoholic/addict has to take responsiblilty for their own actions because someone is not there to pick up the pieces and make everything all right.

One of the best ways to break free from codependecy is to attend group meetings for people in similar situations.  Al-Anon is available for spouses, family members and friends of alcoholics that are in and out of recovery.  These groups can help you find yourself again and see that there can be a better tomorrow.  Al-Anon groups meet all over the world and you can visit Al-Anon online to find a meeting near you.

Breaking free from codependency takes time and effort.  Recovery won’t come all at once, but little by little as you learn how to love yourself again.  You can be free from the heartache of codependency!

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