My sister left her husband a few months ago and has been living with me ever since. I have a 2-bedroom, 2-bathroom condo, so I had the room for her.
My sister left her husband because of his alcoholism. She tried to keep it hidden from everybody else, but after 3 years of marriage, it got too much for her. He wasn’t physically abusive towards her (I’ve seen her in her swimsuit and I’ve never noticed any marks/bruises/scars/etc on her) but she decided “enough is enough”. Since then, she’s been going through Al-Anon, which helps people who are friends/relatives/spouses of alcoholics.
My sister and I are pretty close (twins in fact) so I’m glad to help her out while she gets back on her feet. But every time I say something like “I could go for a beer right now.” she says things like, “That’s a sign of alcoholism.” Believe me, I am far from the road to alcoholism. There’s a difference between thinking the occasional beer would taste good and the absolute dependence on alcohol. Come to think of it, Susan mentions Al-Anon a lot, saying things like “That’s what they teach us” or “I’m learning this about alcohol.” In fact, she’s getting in everybody’s faces anytime anyone mentions alcohol.
I realize that Susan is going through a lot emotionally right now. What do I do or what should I say to her about alcohol? She should know that I’m not an alcoholic and she should know the difference between one who drinks to excess and one who has an occasional drink. Should I just let her speak her mind and get it out of her system? I support her decision to renounce alcohol (she says she’s never touching another drop of it for the rest of her life), but how do I get her to realize that the rest of the world isn’t going to stop for her?
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Hi Jim, how great that you’re taking the time to ask for help, surely a sign of how much you care about your sister. I am a therapist who frequently works with situations like this. Your sister is likely in a lot of fear and traumatized: the sight/smell of alcohol is a “trigger” for all of the trauma she has been through with her husband. Partners and families of alcoholics often feel abused by their loved one’s alcoholism. It sounds like the trauma effects are spreading outward concentrically, affecting others in her life, like yourself. This is in fact the exact type of situation I describe in my latest blog entry, which can be found in the link below. I would attend a couple al-anon meetings yourself, and gently offer to take her with you. It will help you understand how to help her, and hopefully she’ll be helped as well. She has had a problem with boundaries, and now you’re asking (I think) how to lovingly set a boundary so she doesn’t intrude in your life inappropriately, which she is doing by monitoring your drinking (a big no-no in the al-anon program). Good luck with everything and thank you for being such a caring sibling! Darren Haber, MFT.
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/addiction-compulsion-enabler-psychotherapy-family/
Hi, Her reaction to you saying you’d like a drink, is a reaction from someone who’s life has been traumatized by alcohol. She needs to put her pain from her experiences in the right perspective. Hopefully Al-Anon will help her do this. I don’t know how long she’s been going but, it doesn’t happen over night. Be patient with her, let her speak her mind and get it off her chest and try to refrain from saying things that will get her going until she has learned to handle her pain, as hard as I KNOW that can be for you. . You can show her you are behind her 100% by, maybe, going to meetings with her once in a while. You will get a lot of ‘eye opening’ information’ that will help you understand what she is going through and why she is feeling like she is. I think that would mean an awful lot to her….it WOULD to me. Plus, as I said, it could be very beneficial to you in trying to help her and in supporting her. I feel she is over reacting to what they are saying in Al-Anon. What she is saying refers to persons that are alcoholics not the general population. If you have never read any of the Al-anon material then you probably don’t know that she is making the disease of alcoholism her problem. One of the sad facts of living with an alcoholic is people become just as mentally and emotionally sick as the alcoholic. This happens because every step of life they take, and every breath of air they breathe has some involvement with the alcoholic or alcoholism. Our emotions overtake our own mental health as we try and cope with the deterioration of the alcoholic in our life. What are we doing wrong? We are concentrating too much on the disease, instead of concentrating on our mental and emotional health. I hope she puts his alcoholism in the right perspective and doesn’t make it her life’s mission, or become a martyr to prevent alcoholism. Good luck!! JOSA
She isn’t in al anon. Al anon would never say one drink leads to alcoholism or that no drinks at all is the only way to go. Al anon is to support people who are closely involved with an alcoholic, they don’t judge you or make you judge others. She needs to find another chapter if she is indeed going to al anon because they are not practicing it right and are giving her the wrong message. You get her to realize it by telling her. You tell her you’re sorry she went through what she did but that you are not an alcoholic and by no means close to it. She has to deal with her issues with it and that does not mean by banning all alcohol use by everyone she knows. An alcoholic can mess your mind and emotions up pretty badly. But that is no excuse.
jessi gave a good answer but I would add that your sister is interfering in your life by saying things like this and she needs to realize that you don’t have a drinking problem and that many of us can drink and stop without help.