Codependency

What are the Physical Symptoms of Codependency?

Codependency is a pattern of behavior in which people appear to place the needs of others before their own needs. As a result, codependent people may have difficulty forming healthy and balanced relationships. Instead, they tend to get close to other people who have addictions or mental health problems that the codependent person tries to ignore or avoid.

Codependency was first described as a pattern among partners or family members of people with alcohol and drug problems. Since then, the term “codependent” has been adapted to many situations.

Codependent people often look for something outside themselves that makes them feel better. Dysfunctional families, in which misbehavior or abuse is accepted as normal, are a major source of codependent behavior.

Codependent people fall easily into a caretaker role. They often view themselves as “martyrs” and thrive on the sense of being needed. In addition, they may not acknowledge that a problem (e.g., a partner’s alcoholism) exists. Over time, the sense of caring can become compulsive and emotionally draining, leaving the codependent person feeling angry and unappreciated.

People engaged in codependent behavior tend to avoid confronting difficult emotions. They feel disconnected from their own needs and desires, struggle with their feelings and have difficulty trusting others. The emotional toll of codependency often leads patients to try to escape through drug and alcohol abuse. Others with codependency may develop compulsive behaviors such as gambling or risky sex.

Several types of psychotherapy, including cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) and family therapy, may be used to treat codependency. Treatment may take the form of individual or group therapy, or a combination of both. Ultimately, treatment for codependency is only successful when patients move away from excessive caretaking and learn to address their own needs.

Several forms of therapy may be used to treat codependency, including family therapy and cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). Patients will likely explore issues from their childhood that may have led them to form the destructive patterns that are in place today. Therapy may take the form of individual or group counseling, or a combination of both.

During treatment, patients may be encouraged to reconstruct family dynamics and to try to get in touch with hidden emotions. The goal is to have patients reconnect with their feelings.

Ultimately, treatment for codependency will not be successful unless the patient learns to recognize and stop behavior that has negative consequences for the patient. Patients must move away from excessive caretaking and learn to address their own needs.

Posted to: Codependency, Symptoms Comments Off

Codependent Relationship Stressing You Out? Do Something About It!

Codependent relationships are usually characterized by two roles. A needy person who depends on her partner too much, and a person who acts the care-taker, always comforting his partner at his own expense. In relationships, a common pattern is a clingy woman paired with a man who never asserts himself (though the roles can be reversed).

Codependent simply means that you depend too much on your partner emotionally. For her, this may mean that she relies on you for all her emotional needs, and “can’t live without you.” For him, it may mean he feels too responsible for her, always catering to her demands, and never asserting himself for fear of hurting her.

Are you a man feeling stuck in a codependent relationship? Maybe you wish she wasn’t so clingy — or maybe you want to leave the relationship entirely — but you “don’t want to hurt her,” as so many guys say about their clingy girlfriends.

If you find yourself in this situation, it’s because you didn’t assert yourself whenever she showed herself to be overly needy or demanding. In fact, you may have inadvertently encouraged her to behave like this. Now you may feel stuck in patters that don’t allow for the things you desperately need:

Some degree of independence Space to yourself Time to pursue friendships and hobbies outside the relationship

Have you ever felt that you are making major life choices based on her insecurities? Maybe she discourages you from taking a position that requires travel, or maybe she’s pressuring you to get engaged before you’re ready…

If you find yourself in this situation, you have to either:

a) Negotiate new terms for the relationship – terms that you find acceptable and don’t cause you persistent stress

or…

b) Plan to leave the relationship

Otherwise, the constant stress of remaining in a codependent relationship will take a toll on your mental and physical well-being, and you will live a life of regret.

If you feel trapped in an unhealthy or unsatisfying relationship, breakup and get on with your life.

Posted to: Codependency, Relationships Comments Off

Tips for Dealing with an Alcoholic or Drug Addicted Spouse

Often times, marriage can be a difficult road. While most of us don’t expect it to be perfect all the time, there are times when it is downright painful. For instance, if you’re dealing with an alcoholic or drug addicted spouse – it can be one of the hardest things you’ve ever had to deal with. This article provides some important tips for dealing with an alcoholic or drug addicted spouse.

Don’t Enable Your Spouse by Making Excuses

One of the worst things we can do is make excuses for our spouses because we don’t want to accept the real truth. You might say, ‘He’s stressed out right now and the alcohol allows him to relax and calm down.’ You might even go as far as saying, ‘She’s not hurting anyone with her drug usage, so what’s the big deal?’ The truth is that spouses do this all too often.

If you’re making excuses for your addicted spouse, stop now

The truth is that your addicted spouse probably is hurting someone – including you, them and your marriage. If you have children, it’s even worse. In fact, you could be allowing your children to live in danger. No one wants to hurt their spouse or alienate them, but enabling them could be tragic. Step back and take a hard look at the situation. Refuse to make excuses for your spouse any longer.

Get Help for Your Spouse and Yourself

The second step is to get help. Chances are, you’re not going to be able to help your spouse alone. There are many, many resources for individuals who are suffering with addictions as well as their spouses. Being around others who have overcome drug addictions or who are working on it can really help your spouse find the inspiration to get through this. You may want to convince your spouse to start a 12 step program or something similar. If you’re unable to convince your spouse to get help, force them to get help. Issue an ultimatum by saying that they volunteer to get help or you call the police, leave, etc. By issuing an ultimatum like this, you could be saving your spouse’s life.

Be Supportive

Although sometimes this kind of situation requires a lot of tough love, it’s essential for you to support your spouse at this time. Overcoming a drug or alcohol addiction is not easy at all. Without your support, your spouse could easily relapse, wonder why they should even try or become discouraged. Remind them of the great things in your life and how much you love them. This will be the fuel they need to get through this and come out the other side as a clean and sober person.

Dealing with an alcohol or drug addicted spouse is very painful and difficult. Don’t neglect yourself at this time! Find support so you can stay strong enough to help your spouse get through this. By using the tips and suggestions above, you can help your spouse overcome their addiction and restore happiness and peace to your family and marriage.

Posted to: Codependency, Codependent Support Comments Off

For Men: 11 Signs You’re in a Codependent Relationship And How to Get Out

It’s often obvious that a needy, demanding woman who clings to a man has codependent tendencies. However, a relationship consists of two people, and HE is no less responsible. In fact, his behavior can also be labeled “codependent.” Two people who have codependent tendencies may act in opposite ways: While one is needy and drains her partner, the other may have a enlarged sense of responsibility to his partner, and is overly sensitive to her needs and demands.

In fact, people with opposing codependent styles tend to attract each other. These opposing psychological profiles have been termed “takers” and “caretakers.”

Codependent relationships are complicated, and they’re often characterized by manipulation, lack of boundaries, repressed emotions, emotional volatility, jealousy

issues, verbal abuse, etc. Both partners tend to have complicated back-stories, which often serve to justify abnormal behavior. If you’re a man feeling stuck in a codependent relationship, realize that your happiness is worth the effort it takes to move on.

First, take a look at this list, which identify just some of the signs to look for:

You feel that you’re responsible for her, and it’s your job to make her happy and solve her problems You suppress your emotions and avoid confrontation You have the sense of sacrificing the life you want so that you can be with her and take care of her You feel trapped at times, and have the sense that you are planning an eventual escape You feel tremendous guilt at the thought of abandoning her She is extremely jealous and makes it difficult for you to interact with other females or have female friends She has an intense fear of rejection and abandonment She lives her life in way that depends on you for many of her needs, as opposed to being independent and having a variety of fulfilling relationships She has expressed that she wouldn’t be able to live her life if you betrayed or abandoned her She depends almost exclusively on you as her source of happiness and validation She dominates and manipulates you through her emotional response, which is often too extreme

These are just some of the signs that are easiest to spot from the man’s point of you view. If you feel that you may be in a codependent relationship, or you feel as if you’re trapped and there’s no way out, most like. Being in a codependent relationship makes for a stressful and unhappy lifestyle. And yet, your avoidant tendencies may keep you from following through with a break up or separation.

You may be planning to break up for a long time, but you just keep holding off — many men wait years, or even a lifetime, remaining in such a relationship. It’s important that you don’t dwell on planning, and you take certain actions, fast. If you feel ready to begin the separation process, DO NOT hesitate: The longer you wait, and the more time you both invest, the more difficult it becomes.

You may want to consider getting the help of a counselor. Be sure that the counselor doesn’t assume that you want to maintain the relationship if you’re choosing to move on; many counselors operate from the assumption that the relationship should be “fixed.”

Finally, many men are in dire need of a map that:

1) Identifies what is dysfunctional in your relationship

2) Affirms your right to leave an unhappy relationship

3) Guides you through the break up in a way that minimizes pain and hardship for you both

Codependent Relationships

Codependence is a term that has been used extensively to describe some of the common character traits found in the partners of addicts. These tendencies can also be found in partners who are involved in relationships with an unhealthy relationship dynamic, such as emotionally abusive relationships.

You see needs exist because an individual has stopped growing at some point in their lives. As a result they are not “whole” individuals and therefore have “needs”. The opposite of being whole implies “lacking” that which makes one feel whole. Lack of course translates into need!

You either take the consequences for his behavior on yourself, or help him or her avoid them altogether. If your partner is hungover, you call in sick to work for him or her. If your partner doesn’t meet his or her obligations, you step in to complete the work.

They have a tendency to be the center of attention. They are also clingy and needy. They are in constant demand of getting love, attention, validation and approval. But they are angry, blaming others for their actions, violent, critical, irritable, and/or emotionally unstable.

Any man with a high level of self-esteem and healthy attitude towards relationships would not tolerate such a relationship. He’d either take action to stop the pattern, or simply leave. Men who get stuck in a codependent relationship, on the other hand, end up pursuing an endless pattern of trying to please their partner, and feeling frustrated when their desire for freedom conflicts with their partners need for rigid conformity to her needy patterns of behavior.

Truth is the pursuit of what is right. It is based on a fundamental understanding of the rule of law and fairness. When a person chooses truth as his or her sole basis of orientation, they are prone to legalism. Legalism kills relationships. No doubt truth is important, but no one is perfect.

While a beautiful and romantic notion, this is a mindset that, when taken to an extreme, is very self destructive. While in most good relationships the partners value each other, there is no law that says you should stop thinking about yourself.

A codependent person would feel trapped or obligated to stay in a relationship no matter what damage was committed to themselves or others by an abusive partner. Abuse means financial, emotional, physical or sexual abuse.

Posted to: Codependency, Definition, Relationships Comments Off

Symptoms of a Wounded Spirit

The relationship within our ‘self’ of body, mind and emotions shapes our ability to relate to other people, and to the spiritual power in the universe.

Depression, addictions, compulsive behavior and low self-esteem are but symptoms, signs of a broken relationship within our ‘self’. They are symptoms of a ‘wounded spirituality’.

When this connection between our body, mind and emotions is broken, our ability, our ‘response-ability’, to respond healthily to life’s circumstances is limited.

In recovery our task is to identify and undo the broken parts of ourselves and learn to respond positively and creatively – to say YES to life in a way which enables serenity to grow and be maintained.

Some of these symptoms are;

• Alcoholism / drug addiction / compulsive gambling

• Eating disorders (overeating, bulimia, anorexia)

• Perfectionism and overachieving

• Workaholism

• Co-dependency

• Depression / shame / guilt / blaming others / denial / self-centerdness / grandiosity / sensitivity / immaturity / low self-esteem / inhibitions

• Religious addiction

• Sex addiction

• Relapse, switched addictions, multiple addictions

• Controlism

• Moneyism

In order to heal our spirituality, it is helpful to discover what we believe; what we think about the Higher Power, the self, other people, the world and life or even what we do about these issues without thinking about them – reactions. Then we need to find how those beliefs may have contributed to the breakdown of the mental-emotional-physical relationship within ourselves. Where did we learn these spiritually dysfunctional ideas?

SOURCES OF WOUNDED SPIRITUALITY

If the above behaviors and states of mind are some of the signs of a wounded spirituality, just where and how did we get wounded?

We should remember that our new spirituality excludes blaming. These sources of wounding are only used to help us identify our dysfunctional beliefs. Some of the sources of injury are;

• Dysfunctional families

• Addictive/alcoholic families

• Overprotective, underprotective or interrupted parenting

• Unhealthy messages and beliefs about God and religion

• Negative, shaming messages about expressions of feelings

• Taboos about sex; negative messages about sex, sexuality or the body

• Lack of freedom to ask questions, evaluate information

• Lack of freedom to be ourselves, or an inner conflict about what we think that we should be doing and what is ‘expected’ of us

• Invasions of privacy

• Physical abuse

• Sexual abuse

• Emotional abuse

• Religious terrorism

Of course, practicing the symptoms of a wounded spirituality (alcoholism, addiction, low self-esteem & etc) can enable the spirit to be damaged even more. I am sure most alcoholics & addicts know how their own behavior became worse over the years, as the drinking or drugging got worse.

Thus, once started and if not ‘arrested’ by recovering a healthy spirit, we may walk into the gates of “insanity or death.” We may have arrived at a state of “pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.”

Posted to: Codependency, Symptoms Comments Off

Stuck in a Codependent Relationship With a Needy, Controlling, Or Emotionally Volatile Woman?

What is codependency?

I’ve known numerous men who have been in relationships with clingy, needy, overly-emotional, jealous, and controlling women. These men are frustrated with what they perceive as their girlfriend’s flaws. They often don’t realize that their own behavior is contributing to the unhealthy relationship and allowing it to persist.

These men are often stuck in codependent relationships. The term “codependent” is commonly used to refer to individuals who are overly reliant on their partners, using them as a crutch and not wanting to leave their side. However, it can apply to any unhealthy emotional dependency. When a man stays in a relationships with a clingy, jealous, critical partner, he feels dependent on her approval.

All relationships should have plenty of mutual acceptance, space to be alone, time with friends (of both genders), and respect. Often, codependent relationships are lacking these things.

There are two dynamics going on in such relationships:

1) Her issues (often revolving around low self-esteem) prompt her to be controlling, jealous and overly sensitive .

2) Your issues (often involving shame and the desire to please) prompt you to stay in an unhealthy relationship – despite the stress and dissatisfaction — for fear of disappointing her.

Are you in a Codependent Relationship?

If you’re in a codependent relationship with a controlling or needy woman, you might find that the relationship is especially restrictive. Some common traits of these relationships include:

You have to always let her know where you are When you’re out, you have to speak on the phone multiple times a day You are discouraged from keeping female friends She takes an active dislike of some of your friends and/or family, and feels offended that you would have them as part of your life She attempts to control your internet usage, or monitors your email and other online communications (Facebook, etc.) She shows excessive jealousy She has difficulty letting petty issues go, and instead insists that you both talk about them at length She mistrusts you and casts a suspicious eye, even if you’ve done nothing wrong She’s often critical of your behavior You find yourself often “walking on eggshells” around her Your friends tell you that you shouldn’t put up with her, but you feel the need to stay You can’t speak your mind because you’re too afraid of how she’ll react You’ve considered breaking up for a long time, but you don’t want to break her heart You feel that she may not be able to live without you, or you’ve tried to break up and she threatened drastic action (quitting her job, hurting herself, etc.)

These are just a few possible indicators of a codependent relationship, and by no means is an exhaustive list.

What’s Wrong with Codependent Relationships?

Relationships should be places of comfort and acceptance, and they should be avenues to expanding your horizons, not restricting them. Relationships should add joy to one’s life, and though they often hit rough patches, a relationship shouldn’t be a constant burden. Codependent relationships can be so stressful and restrictive that the men involved often reach a boiling point, blowing-up at their partner. It’s like a release valve, and after the pressure dissipates a bit, they fall right back into the pattern.

It’s up to these men to determine whether they want to remain in that relationship or find their way to freedom. If you see yourself described in this article, take hope — many men are stuck in similar situations, and there is a way out.

Signs of Codependency

Codependency usually comes about as your response to another person’s chemical dependency. It revolves around your relationships with the people in your life. It involves the effects these people have on you. You, in turn, then try to affect them and their behaviors. As you begin to see them spiraling out of control, you end up trying to control their behavior.

The soul of codependency lays in you, though, not the other person. It is a silent war you begin within yourself. Usually it develops from low self-esteem. The codependent person does not feel worthy. It is a dysfunctional relationship with the self. Because you live a dysfunctional relationship internally it manifests externally to others. You don’t love yourself and you don’t trust yourself either. You tend to be out of balance and out of harmony. You may feel disconnected. You tend to live life in a reactor mode and give your power over to outside sources.

Chemical dependency is recognized as a disease. Codependency may not be recognized in the same means, but it can make you sick and will not help you or your loved one start on the road to recovery. Codependency is a progressive state. As things around you get steadily worse, your reactions to those things become more intense. In the back of your mind you may think you are helping the other person. You may have the best intentions. As you see it, they are destroying themselves. You don’t realize that the characteristics you portray as a response to their behavior not only sabotage your relationship with that person, but sabotage yourself.

Codependents feel obligated to offer unwanted advice to help the other person solve what you see as their problems. You feel responsible for the other person. Somewhere wrapped up in that process you are trying to please others. You want them to see you as necessary in their lives. You want them to see how essential you are to their well being. You will even abandon your own routine to help the other person.

When your help is either brushed off or not effective the way you thought it would be you become angry. You blame others for the spot you are in. You blame others for making you feel the way you do. You feel unappreciated, used and you become a victim. Over time you learn how to endure it. You live with the anxiety, the hurt and the anger.

If these signs sound familiar, there is help. Once you have determined that these feelings and tendencies in no way help you or the other person, you must focus on correcting your inclination towards codependency. First, accept that we all are responsible for our own feelings and actions. Do not be afraid to let the other person live their life, to live with the consequences they create. Love the person and be there for them, but do not try to control or manipulate the final outcome of their behavior. It may be hard at first, but they too have a lesson to learn that you will not always be there to bail them out of their bad choices.

Second, realize that you are worthy of being loved. Don’t center your life on other people thinking that you don’t deserve happiness too. Stop looking to relationships to provide you all your good feelings. Look within you and start loving yourself. Then others around you will see the radiance you exhibit and will gravitate toward you.

Third, begin to focus on your own life. You have probably let it slide to the wayside. Look for your happiness within yourself, not outside towards others. Think about your passions and what makes you happy. Then start to concentrate on the steps you can take to start living a joyful life.

You may be codependent, but know that you are a strong people. You have just mistakenly focused your attention toward the wrong thing. You have the power to change and to start recovery. That will let you be who you are while letting the other person be who they are.

Posted to: Codependency, Definition, Symptoms Comments Off