Codependence is a term that has been used extensively to describe some of the common character traits found in the partners of addicts. These tendencies can also be found in partners who are involved in relationships with an unhealthy relationship dynamic, such as emotionally abusive relationships.

Codependent simply means that you depend too much on your partner emotionally. For her, this may mean that she relies on you for all her emotional needs, and “can’t live without you.” For him, it may mean he feels too responsible for her, always catering to her demands, and never asserting himself for fear of hurting her.

You see needs exist because an individual has stopped growing at some point in their lives. As a result they are not “whole” individuals and therefore have “needs”. The opposite of being whole implies “lacking” that which makes one feel whole. Lack of course translates into need!

You either take the consequences for his behavior on yourself, or help him or her avoid them altogether. If your partner is hungover, you call in sick to work for him or her. If your partner doesn’t meet his or her obligations, you step in to complete the work.

They have a tendency to be the center of attention. They are also clingy and needy. They are in constant demand of getting love, attention, validation and approval. But they are angry, blaming others for their actions, violent, critical, irritable, and/or emotionally unstable.

Any man with a high level of self-esteem and healthy attitude towards relationships would not tolerate such a relationship.  He’d either take action to stop the pattern, or simply leave.  Men who get stuck in a codependent relationship, on the other hand, end up pursuing an endless pattern of trying to please their partner, and feeling frustrated when their desire for freedom conflicts with their partners need for rigid conformity to her needy patterns of behavior.

These are just some of the signs that are easiest to spot from the man’s point of you view.  If you feel that you may be in a codependent relationship, or you feel as if you’re trapped and there’s no way out, most like.  Being in a codependent relationship makes for a stressful and unhappy lifestyle.

Truth is the pursuit of what is right. It is based on a fundamental understanding of the rule of law and fairness. When a person chooses truth as his or her sole basis of orientation, they are prone to legalism. Legalism kills relationships. No doubt truth is important, but no one is perfect.

While a beautiful and romantic notion, this is a mindset that, when taken to an extreme, is very self destructive. While in most good relationships the partners value each other, there is no law that says you should stop thinking about yourself.

A codependent person would feel trapped or obligated to stay in a relationship no matter what damage was committed to themselves or others by an abusive partner. Abuse means financial, emotional, physical or sexual abuse.

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Life coach and author, AJ Mahari, talks about the nature of toxic guilt that is born in and out of caretaking for the emotions and feelings of someone else while not taking care of one’s own emotions or feelings. This enmeshed, toxic, and codependent way of relating leaves many people not only being abused and victimized but also feeling guilty about that – feeling like some how they’ve done something to make their abuser abuse them. Toxic relationships do not contain healthy love. Toxic relationships block your personal growth, self improvement, and your ability to feel worthy enough to claim your own happiness. touchstonecoaching.ca, emotionalmastery.net and pathwaytoyourhappiness.com

Find More What Is A Codependent Person Articles

Codependency usually comes about as your response to another person’s chemical dependency. It revolves around your relationships with the people in your life. It involves the effects these people have on you. You, in turn, then try to affect them and their behaviors. As you begin to see them spiraling out of control, you end up trying to control their behavior.

The soul of codependency lays in you, though, not the other person. It is a silent war you begin within yourself. Usually it develops from low self-esteem. The codependent person does not feel worthy. It is a dysfunctional relationship with the self. Because you live a dysfunctional relationship internally it manifests externally to others. You don’t love yourself and you don’t trust yourself either. You tend to be out of balance and out of harmony. You may feel disconnected. You tend to live life in a reactor mode and give your power over to outside sources.

Chemical dependency is recognized as a disease. Codependency may not be recognized in the same means, but it can make you sick and will not help you or your loved one start on the road to recovery. Codependency is a progressive state. As things around you get steadily worse, your reactions to those things become more intense. In the back of your mind you may think you are helping the other person. You may have the best intentions. As you see it, they are destroying themselves. You don’t realize that the characteristics you portray as a response to their behavior not only sabotage your relationship with that person, but sabotage yourself.

Codependents feel obligated to offer unwanted advice to help the other person solve what you see as their problems. You feel responsible for the other person. Somewhere wrapped up in that process you are trying to please others. You want them to see you as necessary in their lives. You want them to see how essential you are to their well being. You will even abandon your own routine to help the other person.

When your help is either brushed off or not effective the way you thought it would be you become angry. You blame others for the spot you are in. You blame others for making you feel the way you do. You feel unappreciated, used and you become a victim. Over time you learn how to endure it. You live with the anxiety, the hurt and the anger.

If these signs sound familiar, there is help. Once you have determined that these feelings and tendencies in no way help you or the other person, you must focus on correcting your inclination towards codependency. First, accept that we all are responsible for our own feelings and actions. Do not be afraid to let the other person live their life, to live with the consequences they create. Love the person and be there for them, but do not try to control or manipulate the final outcome of their behavior. It may be hard at first, but they too have a lesson to learn that you will not always be there to bail them out of their bad choices.

Second, realize that you are worthy of being loved. Don’t center your life on other people thinking that you don’t deserve happiness too. Stop looking to relationships to provide you all your good feelings. Look within you and start loving yourself. Then others around you will see the radiance you exhibit and will gravitate toward you.

Third, begin to focus on your own life. You have probably let it slide to the wayside. Look for your happiness within yourself, not outside towards others. Think about your passions and what makes you happy. Then start to concentrate on the steps you can take to start living a joyful life.

You may be codependent, but know that you are a strong people. You have just mistakenly focused your attention toward the wrong thing. You have the power to change and to start recovery. That will let you be who you are while letting the other person be who they are.

© 2007 Lori Klauser

Hear about Debbies’s struggle with codependency and how she got help. Learn more at our website: www.addiction2recovery.com.
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co-de•pen•dent or co•de•pen•dent (kō’dĭ-pěn’dənt)
adj.
1. Mutually dependent.
2. Of or relating to a relationship in which one person is psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way on someone who is addicted to a drug or self-destructive behavior, such as chronic gambling.
n. One who is co-dependent or in a co-dependent relationship.
co’de•pen’dence, co’de•pen’den•cy n.

Hmm – I am not sure that definition describes me. Why would I be in an unhealthy relationship? Don’t I deserve better than that? The truth is, many people – both men and women are in unhealthy relationships. They just can’t see it or won’t admit it. I know this – I have been in a relationship like this for almost 30 years. Yet, I only admitted that it is codependent a few years ago.
We see ourselves as caretakers – people who do their best to look after the people they love. We protect them, clean up after them, make excuses for them, take care of them. We do all this to the point of destroying ourselves.

Does this sound familiar:

• You have to be perfect all the time
• You do not show emotion
• You keep the family secrets
• You make excuses & clean up the messes
• Others opinions are more important than your own
• You react from fear of rejection or anger – You do not voice your opinions because you fear the reaction you will get
• Your quality of life is directly related to your relationships
• Low self esteem
• No boundaries or the boundaries are not firm

The list could go on and on. But we don’t want to dwell on the negative. This site is here to help us overcome our destructive behaviors and find the happiness and peace we crave. So let’s begin this journey together as we strive to break free! We will learn and explore just what is codependency.