My sister left her husband a few months ago and has been living with me ever since. I have a 2-bedroom, 2-bathroom condo, so I had the room for her.

My sister left her husband because of his alcoholism. She tried to keep it hidden from everybody else, but after 3 years of marriage, it got too much for her. He wasn’t physically abusive towards her (I’ve seen her in her swimsuit and I’ve never noticed any marks/bruises/scars/etc on her) but she decided “enough is enough”. Since then, she’s been going through Al-Anon, which helps people who are friends/relatives/spouses of alcoholics.

My sister and I are pretty close (twins in fact) so I’m glad to help her out while she gets back on her feet. But every time I say something like “I could go for a beer right now.” she says things like, “That’s a sign of alcoholism.” Believe me, I am far from the road to alcoholism. There’s a difference between thinking the occasional beer would taste good and the absolute dependence on alcohol. Come to think of it, Susan mentions Al-Anon a lot, saying things like “That’s what they teach us” or “I’m learning this about alcohol.” In fact, she’s getting in everybody’s faces anytime anyone mentions alcohol.

I realize that Susan is going through a lot emotionally right now. What do I do or what should I say to her about alcohol? She should know that I’m not an alcoholic and she should know the difference between one who drinks to excess and one who has an occasional drink. Should I just let her speak her mind and get it out of her system? I support her decision to renounce alcohol (she says she’s never touching another drop of it for the rest of her life), but how do I get her to realize that the rest of the world isn’t going to stop for her? And how can I show her that I’m behind her 100%?

Best answer:

Answer by jessie
I do not know where susan got that from but it is not from Al Anon. I have been to al anon and never did they tell you anything like that not even in AA. I have read the AA book from beginning to end which is what Al Anon was formed from and it does not have that type of attitude. I think your sister is just hurt and she views alcohol negatively (can u blame her) but in time I am sure she will mellow out a little bit. Just give her time to adjust and heal. Also what you can do is go to an Al anon meeting with her a few times and if you are asked to share just let them know you are there for moral support and are trying to understand what your sister is going through.

Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!

Codependence is a term that has been used extensively to describe some of the common character traits found in the partners of addicts. These tendencies can also be found in partners who are involved in relationships with an unhealthy relationship dynamic, such as emotionally abusive relationships.

Codependent simply means that you depend too much on your partner emotionally. For her, this may mean that she relies on you for all her emotional needs, and “can’t live without you.” For him, it may mean he feels too responsible for her, always catering to her demands, and never asserting himself for fear of hurting her.

You see needs exist because an individual has stopped growing at some point in their lives. As a result they are not “whole” individuals and therefore have “needs”. The opposite of being whole implies “lacking” that which makes one feel whole. Lack of course translates into need!

You either take the consequences for his behavior on yourself, or help him or her avoid them altogether. If your partner is hungover, you call in sick to work for him or her. If your partner doesn’t meet his or her obligations, you step in to complete the work.

They have a tendency to be the center of attention. They are also clingy and needy. They are in constant demand of getting love, attention, validation and approval. But they are angry, blaming others for their actions, violent, critical, irritable, and/or emotionally unstable.

Any man with a high level of self-esteem and healthy attitude towards relationships would not tolerate such a relationship.  He’d either take action to stop the pattern, or simply leave.  Men who get stuck in a codependent relationship, on the other hand, end up pursuing an endless pattern of trying to please their partner, and feeling frustrated when their desire for freedom conflicts with their partners need for rigid conformity to her needy patterns of behavior.

These are just some of the signs that are easiest to spot from the man’s point of you view.  If you feel that you may be in a codependent relationship, or you feel as if you’re trapped and there’s no way out, most like.  Being in a codependent relationship makes for a stressful and unhappy lifestyle.

Truth is the pursuit of what is right. It is based on a fundamental understanding of the rule of law and fairness. When a person chooses truth as his or her sole basis of orientation, they are prone to legalism. Legalism kills relationships. No doubt truth is important, but no one is perfect.

While a beautiful and romantic notion, this is a mindset that, when taken to an extreme, is very self destructive. While in most good relationships the partners value each other, there is no law that says you should stop thinking about yourself.

A codependent person would feel trapped or obligated to stay in a relationship no matter what damage was committed to themselves or others by an abusive partner. Abuse means financial, emotional, physical or sexual abuse.

Read about adolescent child.Also read about tiger leaping gorge and makeup brushes

Life coach and author, AJ Mahari, talks about the nature of toxic guilt that is born in and out of caretaking for the emotions and feelings of someone else while not taking care of one’s own emotions or feelings. This enmeshed, toxic, and codependent way of relating leaves many people not only being abused and victimized but also feeling guilty about that – feeling like some how they’ve done something to make their abuser abuse them. Toxic relationships do not contain healthy love. Toxic relationships block your personal growth, self improvement, and your ability to feel worthy enough to claim your own happiness. touchstonecoaching.ca, emotionalmastery.net and pathwaytoyourhappiness.com

Find More What Is A Codependent Person Articles

The relationship within our ‘self’ of body, mind and emotions shapes our ability to relate to other people, and to the spiritual power in the universe.

Depression, addictions, compulsive behaviour and low self-esteem are but symptoms, signs of a broken relationship within our ‘self’. They are symptoms of a ‘wounded spirituality’.

When this connection between our body, mind and emotions is broken, our ability, our ‘response-ability’, to respond healthily to life’s circumstances is limited.

In recovery our task is to identify and undo the broken parts of ourselves and learn to respond positively and creatively – to say YES to life in a way which enables serenity to grow and be maintained.

Some of these symptoms are;

• Alcoholism / drug addiction / compulsive gambling

• Eating disorders (overeating, bulimia, anorexia)

• Perfectionism and overachieving

• Workaholism

• Co-dependency

• Depression / shame / guilt / blaming others / denial / self-centredness / grandiosity / sensitivity / immaturity / low self-esteem / inhibitions

• Religious addiction

• Sex addiction

• Relapse, switched addictions, multiple addictions

• Controlism

• Moneyism

In order to heal our spirituality, it is helpful to discover what we believe; what we think about the Higher Power, the self, other people, the world and life or even what we do about these issues without thinking about them – reactions. Then we need to find how those beliefs may have contributed to the breakdown of the mental-emotional-physical relationship within ourselves. Where did we learn these spiritually dysfunctional ideas?

SOURCES OF WOUNDED SPIRITUALITY

If the above behaviours and states of mind are some of the signs of a wounded spirituality, just where and how did we get wounded?

We should remember that our new spirituality excludes blaming. These sources of wounding are only used to help us identify our dysfunctional beliefs. Some of the sources of injury are;

• Dysfunctional families

• Addictive/alcoholic families

• Overprotective, underprotective or interrupted parenting

• Unhealthy messages and beliefs about God and religion

• Negative, shaming messages about expressions of feelings

• Taboos about sex; negative messages about sex, sexuality or the body

• Lack of freedom to ask questions, evaluate information

• Lack of freedom to be ourselves, or an inner conflict about what we think that we should be doing and what is ‘expected’ of us

• Invasions of privacy

• Physical abuse

• Sexual abuse

• Emotional abuse

• Religious terrorism

Of course, practicing the symptoms of a wounded spirituality (alcoholism, addiction, low self-esteem & etc) can enable the spirit to be damaged even more. I am sure most alcoholics & addicts know how their own behaviour became worse over the years, as the drinking or drugging got worse.

Thus, once started and if not ‘arrested’ by recovering a healthy spirit, we may walk into the gates of “insanity or death.” We may have arrived at a state of “pitiful and incomprehensible demoralisation.”

See also;

http://recoveryissexy.com/our-wounded-spirits/

http://recoveryissexy.com/alcoholic-family-roles/

Copyright 2007

More Codependency Symptoms Articles

Codependency usually comes about as your response to another person’s chemical dependency. It revolves around your relationships with the people in your life. It involves the effects these people have on you. You, in turn, then try to affect them and their behaviors. As you begin to see them spiraling out of control, you end up trying to control their behavior.

The soul of codependency lays in you, though, not the other person. It is a silent war you begin within yourself. Usually it develops from low self-esteem. The codependent person does not feel worthy. It is a dysfunctional relationship with the self. Because you live a dysfunctional relationship internally it manifests externally to others. You don’t love yourself and you don’t trust yourself either. You tend to be out of balance and out of harmony. You may feel disconnected. You tend to live life in a reactor mode and give your power over to outside sources.

Chemical dependency is recognized as a disease. Codependency may not be recognized in the same means, but it can make you sick and will not help you or your loved one start on the road to recovery. Codependency is a progressive state. As things around you get steadily worse, your reactions to those things become more intense. In the back of your mind you may think you are helping the other person. You may have the best intentions. As you see it, they are destroying themselves. You don’t realize that the characteristics you portray as a response to their behavior not only sabotage your relationship with that person, but sabotage yourself.

Codependents feel obligated to offer unwanted advice to help the other person solve what you see as their problems. You feel responsible for the other person. Somewhere wrapped up in that process you are trying to please others. You want them to see you as necessary in their lives. You want them to see how essential you are to their well being. You will even abandon your own routine to help the other person.

When your help is either brushed off or not effective the way you thought it would be you become angry. You blame others for the spot you are in. You blame others for making you feel the way you do. You feel unappreciated, used and you become a victim. Over time you learn how to endure it. You live with the anxiety, the hurt and the anger.

If these signs sound familiar, there is help. Once you have determined that these feelings and tendencies in no way help you or the other person, you must focus on correcting your inclination towards codependency. First, accept that we all are responsible for our own feelings and actions. Do not be afraid to let the other person live their life, to live with the consequences they create. Love the person and be there for them, but do not try to control or manipulate the final outcome of their behavior. It may be hard at first, but they too have a lesson to learn that you will not always be there to bail them out of their bad choices.

Second, realize that you are worthy of being loved. Don’t center your life on other people thinking that you don’t deserve happiness too. Stop looking to relationships to provide you all your good feelings. Look within you and start loving yourself. Then others around you will see the radiance you exhibit and will gravitate toward you.

Third, begin to focus on your own life. You have probably let it slide to the wayside. Look for your happiness within yourself, not outside towards others. Think about your passions and what makes you happy. Then start to concentrate on the steps you can take to start living a joyful life.

You may be codependent, but know that you are a strong people. You have just mistakenly focused your attention toward the wrong thing. You have the power to change and to start recovery. That will let you be who you are while letting the other person be who they are.

© 2007 Lori Klauser

Hear about Debbies’s struggle with codependency and how she got help. Learn more at our website: www.addiction2recovery.com.
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Best answer:

Answer by #1FerretMom
Just stay positive, avoid stresses and encourage a healthy lifestyle. You could be his support system. Also, smoking and other addictions should be avoided if not cut out because of the association between the two, but it sounds like he is doing great. I have known people who died from drinking themselves to death, so keep that in mind.

What do you think? Answer below!

Codependents have a fear – it may be a subconscious fear, of the alcoholics recovery. Their lives are defined by the alcoholic and his behavior. If that changes – what else will change? So, unknowingly they may continue to enable the alcoholic to prevent recovery and change.

Most people who have a significant other who is in the claws of addiction or alcoholism will tell you that they will do anything to have the person find sobriety. But they are lying, even though they don’t realize it. They just don’t know how to deal with anything else but addiction. It defines the codependent as much as it does the alcoholic.

That is why it is so important for codependent people to seek out their own healing and solve their own problems. Just like the Twelve Steps can help alcoholics, they can help us overcome our codependent beliefs. Look inside yourself. What is preventing you from being more assertive, holding your ground, standing up for what you want? Is it fear of rejection, change, abandonment?

Fear itself can be a good motivator. We all have a fear of the unknown, but as we learn about it we can conquer it. Books on codependency, support groups, and counseling can help you identify the areas you need to work on to break free from codependency.

There is the hope that as you recover, your alcoholic will recover as well. It has happened, I have seen it. But I have also seen many more that have not. An alcoholic needs to make the choice to change – it cannot be made for them. Alcoholics rarely consider change until it is the only option.

You can choose to continue to enable the alcoholic in your life, or you can love them enough to let go. Allow them to experience every part of their addiction. Allow them to see the chaos they have created around them.

But for now, you can heal. You can begin a new life – free of codependency.

Occasionally, you will run across something that clicks right at that moment. It is just like someone is speaking to you, sending you a message. They are the words you need to hear – right then.

This saying is one of those things. I found it in a stack of handouts at a support group I attended. It spoke to me then, and it still does now. I hope it can help you.

God’s Answer

I asked you, God for strength that I might achieve;

I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey.

I asked for help that I might do greater things;

I was given infirmity that I might do better things.

I asked for riches that I might be happy;

I was given poverty that I might be wise.

I asked for power that I might have the praise of others;

I was given weakness that I might feel the need for you.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life;

I was given life that I might enjoy all things.

No God, I’ve got nothing that I’ve asked for,

but everything I had hoped for.

Despite myself, my prayers were answers,

and I am among those most richly blessed.

Look back on your life.  Yes, there have been struggles – major ones even.  Yet, would you be the person you are today if you had not experienced life the way you did?  You are a stronger person because of where you have been and what life has given you.  You have a greater understanding of the trials others are going through -whatever they may be.  Because of that, you have compassion.  Because of your trials, you can give hope to someone else.

Life is good!  You have the power for peace and happiness within you.  Allow yourself to find it.  There is hope for a brighter day!

As I stated in my previous post, family members revolve around the alcoholic, tending to every need.  Never really giving a thought to their own needs or even realizing that this way of life is not normal.  Some of the behaviors that the family has learned are:

• Watch what you say. Your words can either trigger an angry rage, or come back at you when the alcoholic is drunk. It is easier to stick to very simple communication.
• Clean up. Take care of the messes the alcoholic might make. After all, someone might show up at the door and we don’t want them to know!
• Always let the alcoholic have his way. If you cooked chicken for dinner and he says he wanted steak. What do you do? Cook him a steak!
• Make excuses. Even kids learn how to make excuses for their alcoholic parent. “Why didn’t your dad pick you up after the dance?” “His car broke down.”

All of these characteristics are learned behaviors. They have been learned so we can cope and try to function in a dysfunctional family.

What is sad is when one person tries to break free from the codependent behavior, there is always someone else in the family to take over.

• Martha had been reading books about codependency.  She was working on overcoming her codependent beliefs and was trying not to enable her alcoholic husband.  One evening, she had plans to go to dinner with some friends.  When she was getting ready, she heard a thud.  When she went to investigate, she found her husband passed out on the floor.  He made the choice to drink, so he would have to deal with the consequences.  So she left him there.  While she was out, her son came home from college.  He found dad on the floor – so he helped him to the couch and made him comfortable. He then called dads work and made an excuse for his absence. Then he cleaned the vomit off the floor.  Although he thought he was doing the right thing, he really just filling in as the caretaker since Martha had decided not to be codependent anymore.

It is important for all family members to learn to overcome codependency so the cycle doesn’t continue. Family counseling and family support groups are very beneficial for alcoholic families. Let the healing begin!

Here are some roles that you will find in a alcoholic family. Do they sound familiar?

• The caretaker: This is usually played by an adult in the family. They make sure everything is taken care of. The bills are paid, the shopping is done, the house is clean, etc. The caretaker is so busy taking care of everthing and everyone else that he/she has no time for his/her own needs.
• The scapegoat: This is the person who seems to get the blame for everything. If the alcoholic trips over something, it is because the scapegoat left it out. The focus changes from the alcoholic being drunk to the scapegoat being lazy by not putting things away.
• The hero: This is the over achiever. The child who tries hard to succeed in everything. The one who makes the family look good. However, even the hero’s feelings get overlooked in an alcoholic family.
• The clown: If this person keeps everyone laughing, no one will cry – right? However, many times the humor prevents healing in the family. Instead of facing the problem, the laughter distracts from it.
• The lost child: This child doesn’t say much, just keeps to himself. He might like to watch TV, play video games, or stay in his room. He is overlooked because he is so quiet. But he is observing more than you know.

Can you see these roles in your family? It is time to break the cycle. For yourself and your children – let them know what it is really like to be a kid! There is hope for alcoholic families. I have mentioned Al-Anon before, there is also Alateen for teenagers.

There are many books on the market that help you break free from codependency roles. Reading a chapter before bed can help put positive thought in your hear and in turn, help you start the next day with a new perspective.

Many people who are codependent identify themselves with the alcoholic/addict.  They are the caretaker, the worrier, the fixer, etc.  Though they may not realize it, they could be subconsiously preventing the recovery of their loved one.  They are unknowingly preventing it out of fear.  “What will happen to me if they get better?”  “They won’t need me anymore.”

The disease of alcoholism and drug addiction is known as a family disease – because it affects everyone close to the individual.  Living with an alcoholic or addict and their erratic behaviors takes it toll on every one around. Friends, coworkers, friends, and most of all family, are all affected in some way.  If the destructive behavior of alcoholic/codependent has gone on for years, it is the relationship that they both identify with. It is a sick circle that continues round and round until someone breaks free.  Usually that someone is the codependent person.

Often the alcoholic/addict only recognizes their problem when their loved ones break free from the cycle of codependent behavior.  The relationship is different and the alcoholic/addict has to take responsiblilty for their own actions because someone is not there to pick up the pieces and make everything all right.

One of the best ways to break free from codependecy is to attend group meetings for people in similar situations.  Al-Anon is available for spouses, family members and friends of alcoholics that are in and out of recovery.  These groups can help you find yourself again and see that there can be a better tomorrow.  Al-Anon groups meet all over the world and you can visit Al-Anon online to find a meeting near you.

Breaking free from codependency takes time and effort.  Recovery won’t come all at once, but little by little as you learn how to love yourself again.  You can be free from the heartache of codependency!

Let Go

To ‘let go’ does not mean to stop caring. It means I can’t do it for someone else.

To ‘let go’ is not to cut myself off, it is the realization I can’t control another.

To ‘let go’ is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To ‘let go’ is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To ‘let go’ is not to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.

To ‘let go’ is not to care for, but to care about.

To ‘let go’ is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To ‘let go’ is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To ‘let go’ is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To ‘let go’ is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.

To ‘let go’ is not to deny, but to accept.

To ‘let go’ is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To ‘let go’ is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To ‘let go’ is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To ‘let go’ is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To ‘let go’ is to fear less, and love more.

I hope this will give you hope each day.  Take each day as it comes and hold hope in your heart.  There is freedom from codependency!

We have all experienced guilt at some time in our lives. And face it, guilt can be a great motivator! We feel guilty we made a huge mess so we hurry to clean it up. We feel guilt for leaving the kids home with a sitter so we bring home ice cream and a DVD to watch with them.

But, when your life is consumed by guilt – there is no motivation. In fact, you seem to have lost your will to go on. So guilt has the reverse effect. You feel so guilty that you can’t function, and then you feel even more guilty because you are not getting anything done. Now throw in an alcoholic spouse or significant other and the guilt goes through the roof!

One thing we need to always remember is that the guilt that is piled on us by and alcoholic or addict it THEIR guilt. It is not ours and we do not need to own up to it. Alcoholics have an amazing way of making their spouses crazy with guilt! After all, according to them, everything that goes wrong in their life is our fault. Because it certainly isn’t theirs! Alcoholics and addicts need to have someone to blame, it makes them feel better about what they are doing to themselves. If they can push the blame off, they do not have to claim the truth. Yes, it is an ugly thing that they do to us, but it is what they do.

So, what I want you to understand is IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! No matter how much your significant other tries to blame you, you did not cause his alcoholism or addiction. Remind yourself of this daily and start to break free from the guilt!

Ask yourself, am I codependent? You look at yourself and you think ‘no, I am a loving, caring individual who is trying to help the addict in my life.’ This is true, you are a loving, caring individual. And you ARE trying to help the alcoholic/addict overcome their addictions. But, are you caring about you? Are you loving and caring toward the person who needs it the most – yourself?

Here are some characteristics of Codependent behavior. Can you see yourself in any of these?

• You go the extra mile to keep the peace in your home
• You feel responsible for other peoples feelings, choices, wants, needs, etc.
• Try to please others all the time, regardless if you are happy or not
• Are unable to say no even when your are already stretched thin
• Feel guilty when someone is giving to you
• Feel angry and victimized
• You try to catch your addict in the act of misbehaving
• You are constantly searching for clues or some concrete proof of alcohol in the home
• You always try to prove yourself, yet you never feel you measure up
• You fear rejection
• You are very hard on yourself. You are unhappy with how your look, think, feel, & act
• You blame yourself
• You desperately need love and affection
• You lie to yourself that you can fix it
• You wonder why you can’t catch up and get things done
• You say what you THINK people want to hear instead of what you THINK
• You blame others for your problems
• You feel guilt for everything. Guilt for enjoying something, guilt for spending money on yourself. Just GUILT!
• You believe you opinion doesn’t matter
• You lie to protect the ones you love and to cover up for them
• You lie to cover up for yourself
• You have difficulty expressing your emotions honestly

This list could go on and on and you may not feel like everything on the list applies to you. But even if some of it does, you could be codependent. Life does seem unbearable – at times you don’t want to put another step forward. But life is good! We just need to change our outlook and learn to deal with our alcoholics differently!

You are a person of worth! Remember that you CAN break free from codependency.

co-de•pen•dent or co•de•pen•dent (kō’dĭ-pěn’dənt)
adj.
1. Mutually dependent.
2. Of or relating to a relationship in which one person is psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way on someone who is addicted to a drug or self-destructive behavior, such as chronic gambling.
n. One who is co-dependent or in a co-dependent relationship.
co’de•pen’dence, co’de•pen’den•cy n.

Hmm – I am not sure that definition describes me. Why would I be in an unhealthy relationship? Don’t I deserve better than that? The truth is, many people – both men and women are in unhealthy relationships. They just can’t see it or won’t admit it. I know this – I have been in a relationship like this for almost 30 years. Yet, I only admitted that it is codependent a few years ago.
We see ourselves as caretakers – people who do their best to look after the people they love. We protect them, clean up after them, make excuses for them, take care of them. We do all this to the point of destroying ourselves.

Does this sound familiar:

• You have to be perfect all the time
• You do not show emotion
• You keep the family secrets
• You make excuses & clean up the messes
• Others opinions are more important than your own
• You react from fear of rejection or anger – You do not voice your opinions because you fear the reaction you will get
• Your quality of life is directly related to your relationships
• Low self esteem
• No boundaries or the boundaries are not firm

The list could go on and on. But we don’t want to dwell on the negative. This site is here to help us overcome our destructive behaviors and find the happiness and peace we crave. So let’s begin this journey together as we strive to break free! We will learn and explore just what is codependency.