Archive for November, 2009

I Am Not The Problem

Who is really to blame for this codependent/alcoholic relationship anyway? Of course it is the alcoholic – right? Really, if it wasn’t for the substance abuse, life would be great! Would it really? Or would you find a way to sabotage the relationship because you just aren’t ready to deal with your own emotions?

Codependents have a fear – it may be a subconscious fear, of the alcoholics recovery. Their lives are defined by the alcoholic and his behavior. If that changes – what else will change? So, unknowingly they may continue to enable the alcoholic to prevent recovery and change.

Most people who have a significant other who is in the claws of addiction or alcoholism will tell you that they will do anything to have the person find sobriety. But they are lying, even though they don’t realize it. They just don’t know how to deal with anything else but addiction. It defines the codependent as much as it does the alcoholic.

That is why it is so important for codependent people to seek out their own healing and solve their own problems. Just like the Twelve Steps can help alcoholics, they can help us overcome our codependent beliefs. Look inside yourself. What is preventing you from being more assertive, holding your ground, standing up for what you want? Is it fear of rejection, change, abandonment?

Fear itself can be a good motivator. We all have a fear of the unknown, but as we learn about it we can conquer it. Books on codependency, support groups, and counseling can help you identify the areas you need to work on to break free from codependency.

There is the hope that as you recover, your alcoholic will recover as well. It has happened, I have seen it. But I have also seen many more that have not. An alcoholic needs to make the choice to change – it cannot be made for them. Alcoholics rarely consider change until it is the only option.

You can choose to continue to enable the alcoholic in your life, or you can love them enough to let go. Allow them to experience every part of their addiction. Allow them to see the chaos they have created around them.

But for now, you can heal. You can begin a new life – free of codependency.

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Once a Victim, Always a Victim?

Are you a victim? After all you do for your significant other, and how dare they treat you this way.  They just wad up your heart and toss it out with yesterday’s news.  Yes, you are the ultimate victim and it is all the alcoholic’s fault – right?

You are used and abused, unappreciated and bullied, emotionally destroyed. You have people who you can complain to who agree that you are a victim. They agree that your spouse is an awful person and that you are a saint to put up with it all.

But, could it be that you are unaware that you are playing the part of the victim because that is how you identify yourself. It is important that someone validates how we feel, so we are drawn to people who will agree with our view of being a victim.

One of the first steps to overcoming Codependency and it’s traits it to stop believing we are the victim. You feel like a victim because of all you have been through with the alcoholic/addict. But feeling like a victim and becoming a victim are two different things.

When you blame the alcoholic in your life for making you a victim, you are giving them power. You are allowing them to control your perception of yourself. When you push the responsibility of your feelings and sense of self to someone else, you are giving up control. It is time to take that control back.

You can take that control back by being honest with yourself. Years of codependency have created a bubble around your sense of self – do you really know who you are? What are your goals, your hopes, your dreams for the future. It is time to look inside and rediscover you!

Start a little at a time, write down positive things you see in yourself. Don’t think about anything negative – you get enough negative in your daily life. This is about discovering the good in yourself. It is there, search and you will find it.

Life is a better place when you are free from the victim within. Let it go – find peace within. You might not have peace in your relationship, but you can have peace within yourself. Don’t be a victim anymore!

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Codependency – Hope for a Better Day

Hope is all around you. You can find it in nature, in a child’s laugh, a visit with a friend. Hope is sustaining, it helps to get you through another day. Sometimes it feels like you are clinging to hope like a lifeboat, adrift in a sea of guilt and despair.

Occasionally, you will run across something that clicks right at that moment. It is just like someone is speaking to you, sending you a message. They are the words you need to hear – right then.

This saying is one of those things. I found it in a stack of handouts at a support group I attended. It spoke to me then, and it still does now. I hope it can help you.

God’s Answer

I asked you, God for strength that I might achieve;

I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey.

I asked for help that I might do greater things;

I was given infirmity that I might do better things.

I asked for riches that I might be happy;

I was given poverty that I might be wise.

I asked for power that I might have the praise of others;

I was given weakness that I might feel the need for you.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life;

I was given life that I might enjoy all things.

No God, I’ve got nothing that I’ve asked for,

but everything I had hoped for.

Despite myself, my prayers were answers,

and I am among those most richly blessed.

Look back on your life.  Yes, there have been struggles – major ones even.  Yet, would you be the person you are today if you had not experienced life the way you did?  You are a stronger person because of where you have been and what life has given you.  You have a greater understanding of the trials others are going through -whatever they may be.  Because of that, you have compassion.  Because of your trials, you can give hope to someone else.

Life is good!  You have the power for peace and happiness within you.  Allow yourself to find it.  There is hope for a brighter day!

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Al-Anon: A Place of Comfort

Living with an alcoholic is frustrating. You can feel very alone and abandoned.  Where can you turn? You need somewhere to go where you will be understood – where others have felt your pain.  Al-Anon is that place.

Members of Al-Anon have or are currently living the life you are.  They understand the fear, shame, and anxiety you feel.  They have been through all the stages – the fear, guilt, anger, etc.  They too have felt like a victim.

But Al-Anon offers comfort to those who come to the meetings.  By working the 12 steps you will learn to look within yourself to find healing.  Learn to overcome your codependent beliefs and learn to love yourself.

Just like in Alcoholics Anonymous, you will get a sponsor.  Someone you can call anytime you find yourself needing someone to talk to.  Al-Anon is people helping people at it’s finest.  Once you learn to overcome using the 12 steps, you want to help others.  You are obligated to help others – that is one of the steps, to help others along the way.

Al-Anon is about learning about yourself and how to change the way you react to what is going on in your life.  It is not a place to complain about the alcoholic/addict in your life – it is a place to rediscover you.  In a alcoholic relationship, healing begins with you.

Through Al-Anon you will realize that you are powerless over alcohol (and the alcoholic). You cannot make their choices for them, but you can choose how you react.  You will learn the tools you need to handle situations and you will become stronger.  Your life will take on new meaning and you will see the beauty around you once again.

For many people, going to Al-Anon is the first step to recovery of the alcoholic/addict in their life.  I will not promise that they will recover, but seeing you in a better place can have a positive effect.  Let Al-Anon become your place of comfort.

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Alcoholic Families – Part 3

Family members think they are doing the right thing when they play the roles in an alcoholic family. They cannot see that what the are really doing is enabling the alcoholic to continue with his current behavior. So, while the family thinks they are helping, they are really hurting the situation.

As I stated in my previous post, family members revolve around the alcoholic, tending to every need.  Never really giving a thought to their own needs or even realizing that this way of life is not normal.  Some of the behaviors that the family has learned are:

  • Watch what you say. Your words can either trigger an angry rage, or come back at you when the alcoholic is drunk. It is easier to stick to very simple communication.
  • Clean up. Take care of the messes the alcoholic might make. After all, someone might show up at the door and we don’t want them to know!
  • Always let the alcoholic have his way. If you cooked chicken for dinner and he says he wanted steak. What do you do? Cook him a steak!
  • Make excuses. Even kids learn how to make excuses for their alcoholic parent. “Why didn’t your dad pick you up after the dance?” “His car broke down.”

All of these characteristics are learned behaviors. They have been learned so we can cope and try to function in a dysfunctional family.

What is sad is when one person tries to break free from the codependent behavior, there is always someone else in the family to take over.

  • Martha had been reading books about codependency.  She was working on overcoming her codependent beliefs and was trying not to enable her alcoholic husband.  One evening, she had plans to go to dinner with some friends.  When she was getting ready, she heard a thud.  When she went to investigate, she found her husband passed out on the floor.  He made the choice to drink, so he would have to deal with the consequences.  So she left him there.  While she was out, her son came home from college.  He found dad on the floor – so he helped him to the couch and made him comfortable. He then called dads work and made an excuse for his absence. Then he cleaned the vomit off the floor.  Although he thought he was doing the right thing, he really just filling in as the caretaker since Martha had decided not to be codependent anymore.

It is important for all family members to learn to overcome codependency so the cycle doesn’t continue. Family counseling and family support groups are very beneficial for alcoholic families. Let the healing begin!

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Alcoholic Families – Part 2

Alcoholic families have interesting dynamics – everyone has a role. Just like parts in a play, they act out their roles and revolve around the central character like he is the most important being on the earth. No wonder the alcoholic treats everyone like his personal servants – that is what they have become.

Here are some roles that you will find in a alcoholic family. Do they sound familiar?

  • The caretaker: This is usually played by an adult in the family. They make sure everything is taken care of. The bills are paid, the shopping is done, the house is clean, etc. The caretaker is so busy taking care of everthing and everyone else that he/she has no time for his/her own needs.
  • The scapegoat: This is the person who seems to get the blame for everything. If the alcoholic trips over something, it is because the scapegoat left it out. The focus changes from the alcoholic being drunk to the scapegoat being lazy by not putting things away.
  • The hero: This is the over achiever. The child who tries hard to succeed in everything. The one who makes the family look good. However, even the hero’s feelings get overlooked in an alcoholic family.
  • The clown: If this person keeps everyone laughing, no one will cry – right? However, many times the humor prevents healing in the family. Instead of facing the problem, the laughter distracts from it.
  • The lost child: This child doesn’t say much, just keeps to himself. He might like to watch TV, play video games, or stay in his room. He is overlooked because he is so quiet. But he is observing more than you know.

Can you see these roles in your family? It is time to break the cycle. For yourself and your children – let them know what it is really like to be a kid! There is hope for alcoholic families. I have mentioned Al-Anon before, there is also Alateen for teenagers.

There are many books on the market that help you break free from codependency roles. Reading a chapter before bed can help put positive thought in your hear and in turn, help you start the next day with a new perspective.

Posted to: Alcoholism, Codependency, Family Comments Off