Archive for October, 2009

Alcoholic Families – Part 1

Alcoholism has been called the ‘Family Disease’ because it affects everyone in the family to some extent. In many families, all the members have become enablers. By refusing to admit there is a problem in their family, they are all allowing the destructive behavior to continue.

Families of alcoholics are always on guard because they never know what the drinkers behavior will be from one moment to the next. Children do not invite friends over, spouses make excuses for not attending social functions, etc.

Perhaps a scenario like this has played out in your home:

It is one of the kids birthdays and you are having a family dinner. You are on edge because family functions are a trigger for alcohol abuse and none of your guests are aware of the problem. Your kids are are acting silly – partly because of the excitement of the party, and partly to release anxiety about other people seeing dad drunk. About 5 minutes before the guests arrive, one of the kids says something innocent that upsets your spouse. You try to calm them down, but in doing so you tell your spouse that the comment wasn’t worth getting upset about. Wrong thing to say, now your spouse accuses you of not supporting him and always siding with the kids. He threatens to leave and not attend the party unless you take your words back.

What would you do? On one hand – you really should stand your ground. After all, it was a silly thing to get upset about. But on the other hand, if he leaves how will you explain his absence to your guests. What will people think, what rumors will start if he isn’t there?

A codependent family would rally around to make it better and give the alcoholic what he wants – just to keep the peace. The party would go on as planned, but there is an underlying tension that no one can quite figure out.

A family who has overcome codependent behaviors would have let the alcoholic leave. This is how he chose to react and who is he really hurting? Himself – he is missing out on a family experience because he chose to be selfish. You do not have to make excuses for him to your guests. Let it go.

Life is to important to get worked up about addiction drama – find happiness with your family with or without the alcoholic.

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Al-Anon – A Place of Hope

Just like Alcoholics Anonymous has helped millions of alcoholics, Al-Anon is there for the family. The spouse who is struggling with codependency will find hope and healing at Al-Anon.

Going to Al-Anon for the first time might seem a little strange if you don’t know what to expect. Al-Anon is not a gripe session – it is a healing session. You are not there to vent about the alcoholic you live with, you are there to begin healing. At an Al-Anon meeting you will find others that share your frustrations and trials, because they have lived them too. Maybe not your exact story, but one that is very similar.

Members of Al-Anon share their experiences and their hope. You will find members who have found happiness in spite of the alcoholism in their life – even if the loved one is still drinking. These members recognize the value of support and are there to help those who still struggle.

Al-Anon is a place for hope and healing for people struggling with codependency. You will not be judged – you will be accepted. You will not be blamed – you will be supported. You can find local meetings by searching for Al-Anon on the internet.

Like Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon is based upon the Twelve Steps. Working through the Twelve Steps can help you see areas of your life that can be improved. You will also learn to separate yourself from alcohol by admitting that you are powerless over alcohol.

You are powerless over alcohol! You are not the one making the choice to drink. It is not your choice to make, the alcoholic is responsible for his or her’s own actions. You will come so far to overcoming codependency if you will admit that you are powerless over the alcoholics actions – and then really believe it!

Al-Anon is a wonderful organization that is helping millions of people all over the world. No matter where you travel, you will likely find an Al-Anon meeting you can attend. Al-Anon can and will help you overcome codependency!

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Do You Have Emotional Dependency?

People who are codependent have a belief system that is linked to how they relate to someone else. Usually that someone else is an alcoholic or drug addict. Codependents identify their life and well being to how things are going for the alcoholic. They believe that what they are doing is what is best. But doing what they think is best for the alcoholic/addict, could destroy themselves.

Here is a small list of behaviors/beliefs that define a codependent person. There are so many behaviors that this list could go on and on. But look at it – can you see yourself in any of these behaviors?

I feel good about myself when I am with or belong to someone
I focus my attention on pleasing others
‘Helping’ others fix their problems boosts my self esteem
If someone close to me is having struggles, it affects my peace of mind
I am aware of how those around me feel, but I don’t know how I feel
Relieving someone’s pain boosts my self esteem
Getting approval from others makes me feel good
I seldom give myself approval for doing a good job
I fear rejection and it affects what I say or do
I believe my hopes and dreams are linked to other people in my life
Other people’s opinions are more important than mine
I will put my values aside to gain approval
My happiness is directly related to the happiness of those around me
I focus on protecting others – both from their own actions and the actions of others
Other people’s interests and hobbies are more important than my own
I try to manipulate others to do things my way (although I may not be aware I am doing this)
When I am in a relationships, my association with friends diminishes
Fear of anger motivates me. I give more of myself to feel safe

If you can see yourself in one or more of these statements, you have codependent traits. You need to change your belief system and convince yourself you are a person of worth. You cannot count on the alcoholic/addict in your life to wake up and realize what a wonderful person you are – although we all hope for that!

Start today – make yourself a sign and post it where you will see it every day. Write something positive about yourself or an inspirational quote. If nothing else write – ‘I am a person of worth!’. Break free from the beliefs of codependency now.

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Do You Fear Alcohol Addiction Recovery?

This is a tough question – Do you fear the recovery of your addict? Of course you want the alcoholic/addict in your life to get better. Life would be better if they were in recovery – right? But wait, how does recover affect me? Who will I take care of? How will their recovery change my identity? Think hard and answer the question again – do you fear the recovery of your addict?

Many people who are codependent identify themselves with the alcoholic/addict. They are the caretaker, the worrier, the fixer, etc. Though they may not realize it, they could be subconsiously preventing the recovery of their loved one. They are unknowingly preventing it out of fear. “What will happen to me if they get better?” “They won’t need me anymore.”

The disease of alcoholism and drug addiction is known as a family disease – because it affects everyone close to the individual. Living with an alcoholic or addict and their erratic behaviors takes it toll on every one around. Friends, coworkers, friends, and most of all family, are all affected in some way. If the destructive behavior of alcoholic/codependent has gone on for years, it is the relationship that they both identify with. It is a sick circle that continues round and round until someone breaks free. Usually that someone is the codependent person.

Often the alcoholic/addict only recognizes their problem when their loved ones break free from the cycle of codependent behavior. The relationship is different and the alcoholic/addict has to take responsiblilty for their own actions because someone is not there to pick up the pieces and make everything all right.

One of the best ways to break free from codependecy is to attend group meetings for people in similar situations. Al-Anon is available for spouses, family members and friends of alcoholics that are in and out of recovery. These groups can help you find yourself again and see that there can be a better tomorrow. Al-Anon groups meet all over the world and you can visit Al-Anon online to find a meeting near you.

Breaking free from codependency takes time and effort. Recovery won’t come all at once, but little by little as you learn how to love yourself again. You can be free from the heartache of codependency!

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Codependency – Let Go

I found this handout at a codependency group meeting I went to. It has helped me so much that I want to share it. Use it and believe it – it will help you!

Let Go

To ‘let go’ does not mean to stop caring. It means I can’t do it for someone else.

To ‘let go’ is not to cut myself off, it is the realization I can’t control another.

To ‘let go’ is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To ‘let go’ is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To ‘let go’ is not to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.

To ‘let go’ is not to care for, but to care about.

To ‘let go’ is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To ‘let go’ is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To ‘let go’ is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To ‘let go’ is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.

To ‘let go’ is not to deny, but to accept.

To ‘let go’ is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To ‘let go’ is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To ‘let go’ is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To ‘let go’ is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To ‘let go’ is to fear less, and love more.

I hope this will give you hope each day. Take each day as it comes and hold hope in your heart. There is freedom from codependency!

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Guilt

What is it with guilt? I feel guilt about EVERYTHING! My daughter’s date is late, I feel guilt. WHY? I wasn’t driving him! Yet, I still feel guilt. I don’t understand why I feel guilty about everything – why someone is sad, when the local sports team loses, when my husband has a bad day. The list could go on and on. The point is – I am NOT GUILTY for any of this! Now I just need to convince myself.

We have all experienced guilt at some time in our lives. And face it, guilt can be a great motivator! We feel guilty we made a huge mess so we hurry to clean it up. We feel guilt for leaving the kids home with a sitter so we bring home ice cream and a DVD to watch with them.

But, when your life is consumed by guilt – there is no motivation. In fact, you seem to have lost your will to go on. So guilt has the reverse effect. You feel so guilty that you can’t function, and then you feel even more guilty because you are not getting anything done. Now throw in an alcoholic spouse or significant other and the guilt goes through the roof!

One thing we need to always remember is that the guilt that is piled on us by and alcoholic or addict it THEIR guilt. It is not ours and we do not need to own up to it. Alcoholics have an amazing way of making their spouses crazy with guilt! After all, according to them, everything that goes wrong in their life is our fault. Because it certainly isn’t theirs! Alcoholics and addicts need to have someone to blame, it makes them feel better about what they are doing to themselves. If they can push the blame off, they do not have to claim the truth. Yes, it is an ugly thing that they do to us, but it is what they do.

So, what I want you to understand is IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! No matter how much your significant other tries to blame you, you did not cause his alcoholism or addiction. Remind yourself of this daily and start to break free from the guilt!

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Am I Codependent?

Did you know that at least one fourth of the population is in a family that is affected by addiction? Not just a relative who is an alcoholic/addict, but a first-degree relative! Close to 90% of all actively addicted persons live with their family or a significant other. That family or significant other is you, me and everyone else affected by addiction and who struggles with codependency.

Ask yourself, am I codependent? You look at yourself and you think ‘no, I am a loving, caring individual who is trying to help the addict in my life.’ This is true, you are a loving, caring individual. And you ARE trying to help the alcoholic/addict overcome their addictions. But, are you caring about you? Are you loving and caring toward the person who needs it the most – yourself?

Here are some characteristics of Codependent behavior. Can you see yourself in any of these?

You go the extra mile to keep the peace in your home
You feel responsible for other peoples feelings, choices, wants, needs, etc.
Try to please others all the time, regardless if you are happy or not
Are unable to say no even when your are already stretched thin
Feel guilty when someone is giving to you
Feel angry and victimized
You try to catch your addict in the act of misbehaving
You are constantly searching for clues or some concrete proof of alcohol in the home
You always try to prove yourself, yet you never feel you measure up
You fear rejection
You are very hard on yourself. You are unhappy with how your look, think, feel, & act
You blame yourself
You desperately need love and affection
You lie to yourself that you can fix it
You wonder why you can’t catch up and get things done
You say what you THINK people want to hear instead of what you THINK
You blame others for your problems
You feel guilt for everything. Guilt for enjoying something, guilt for spending money on yourself. Just GUILT!
You believe you opinion doesn’t matter
You lie to protect the ones you love and to cover up for them
You lie to cover up for yourself
You have difficulty expressing your emotions honestly

This list could go on and on and you may not feel like everything on the list applies to you. But even if some of it does, you could be codependent. Life does seem unbearable – at times you don’t want to put another step forward. But life is good! We just need to change our outlook and learn to deal with our alcoholics differently!

You are a person of worth! Remember that you CAN break free from codependency.

Posted to: Codependency, Symptoms Comments Off

What is Codependency?

Codependency is a term that we seem to hear a lot, but what does it really mean? If a person is codependent are they a bad person? Are they crazy? Just what is Codependency?
The dictionary definition is:

co-de•pen•dent or co•de•pen•dent (kō’dĭ-pěn’dənt)
adj.
1. Mutually dependent.
2. Of or relating to a relationship in which one person is psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way on someone who is addicted to a drug or self-destructive behavior, such as chronic gambling.
n. One who is co-dependent or in a co-dependent relationship.
co’de•pen’dence, co’de•pen’den•cy n.

Hmm – I am not sure that definition describes me. Why would I be in an unhealthy relationship? Don’t I deserve better than that? The truth is, many people – both men and women are in unhealthy relationships. They just can’t see it or won’t admit it. I know this – I have been in a relationship like this for almost 30 years. Yet, I only admitted that it is codependent a few years ago.
We see ourselves as caretakers – people who do their best to look after the people they love. We protect them, clean up after them, make excuses for them, take care of them. We do all this to the point of destroying ourselves.

Does this sound familiar:

You have to be perfect all the time

You do not show emotion

You keep the family secrets

You make excuses & clean up the messes

Others opinions are more important than your own

You react from fear of rejection or anger – You do not voice your opinions because you fear the reaction you will get

Your quality of life is directly related to your relationships

Low self esteem

No boundaries or the boundaries are not firm

The list could go on and on. But we don’t want to dwell on the negative. This site is here to help us overcome our destructive behaviors and find the happiness and peace we crave. So let’s begin this journey together as we strive to break free! We will learn and explore just what is codependency.

Posted to: Codependency, Definition, Symptoms Comments Off